There are people who know how to make everyone around him dance to their tune, and if someone and refuse to join the ranks of "dancers", you will certainly feel sorry for the dude player. Such specimens of the human race have mastered the manipulation of hidden people, and they are sometimes even unconsciously, to achieve the desired behavior of others.
Of course, each of us supports the idea of kindness and service to others, but that does not mean that we should allow themselves to be manipulated. It is about understanding that we are responsible for our lives; and if we do something against their will in order to please someone, we refuse thus from themselves. We want to tell you about the manipulators and how to learn to resist them.
Let's start with a definition. Manipulation - when using implicit or explicit violence, intimidation, coercion, pressure; When your brains "washed" so that you begin to do something that you do not want to. For example, which has become popular in our new explanatory Webster's dictionary is defined as the manipulation of human management and control, skillful use of influence on another person, often unfair, inhumane, and often with the use of deception, when facts and events are rigged in favor of own goals manipulator. The manipulation of human relations can be defined as any attempt to control through coercion (overt or covert) of thoughts, feelings and behavior of another person.
When we give to others, we abandon ourselves
Of course, people help each other. We all have someone's request, and were themselves often ask for anything. But there is a significant difference between the request for assistance from the attempts to manipulate. If you want to understand the difference between manipulation from any other action? We are ready to explain.
When we do something for someone, we usually get something for themselves. There is a sort of exchange of equal values. But manipulation preclude such an exchange. For example, an employee comes to you - not a girlfriend, so the friend - and says: "I moved into a new apartment, where all the windows heavily spattered with paint and whitewash. I really need help, there is so much work that I do not manage one! If you do not help me, I do not even know what to do. I am with you and I hope not to be disappointed in like you. "
So, she's trying to manipulate you, trying to put pressure on you and cause a feeling of pity. She is poor, unhappy, and how it should be sorry for everything! But there is no full-fledged exchange - she wants you to exchange your work and its output on its promise "not disappointed" in you! Correct would immediately deny friend; s no one should, and her suffering - it is, by and large, it is a problem. And you do not have to explain anything or apologize. But controllers are usually not satisfied with failure and then try to drag us into the conversation. They can be very persistent and will give one reason after another, hoping to crush our resistance.
And in the same situation I would have done the person in the habit which does not include the manipulation of human beings? To you I came to your friend, and said, "I need your help! Let me help you this weekend at the cottage, and you can help me next weekend to wash windows in a new apartment? "See the difference? Man offers cooperation, which is the opposite of manipulation. In this situation, you'll be glad to help because you both get the opportunity to do their work twice as fast, but still you will be more fun to work together!
Our quality that play into the hands of manipulators
Some features of our nature make us vulnerable. And before you start fighting with a man who is trying to influence us, it is necessary to change something in yourself. What can take advantage of the manipulator?
- When we feel loved and useful only if we can take care of the needs of others. We sometimes go so far in this that they are willing to give anything to another by its own well-being. For example, we can buy something really nice to your partner or friend, something, what would never spend the money on themselves. Manipulators are very attracted to this type of people, and they do not hesitate to use this particular personality trait.
- When we need to obtain the approval and acceptance of others. The main problem could be the fear of being rejected or abandoned - it can be so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. Pointing device works with your fear, constantly threatening to make it a reality in your life.
- When we are afraid to express negative emotions. Although the expression of anger and participation in the conflict for no one there is no pleasing some people will go to great lengths to avoid a confrontation. In these respects manipulators easiest to get his - one has only to raise his voice.
- When we can not say "no." One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is to have personal boundaries. In order to adhere to those limits, sometimes you have to say "no" if someone invades our personal territory. And if you are afraid of conflict that may arise because of your failure, you become a plaything in the hands of the manipulator.
In any case, you need to have a clear idea of his own "I", otherwise it will be very difficult to trust their own discretion and make decisions in their favor. Without a clear definition of the self, we can become an easy target for the manipulators.
The techniques that are commonly used manipulators
Unfortunately, we are often confronted with people who will do whatever it takes just to get what they want. We always feel uncomfortable when we are being manipulated; but the worst thing is that we do not always understand what is really happening. We hope that the knowledge of the common methods of manipulators will help you understand the situation, and you will be able to defend its interests. That's what they often do:
- Begin your praise. To achieve its manipulators often begin with praise in your address. And when you're happy and relaxed, they will ask you to do what they want. A compliment, it is the person reasonably believes that it will be very difficult to then tell him "no." In the end, you do not want to disappoint him or give him a reason to think you do not deserve these compliments ... So think manipulator. But you do not have to go at it on occasion; better to say that you think do not deserve these compliments, and then firmly deny.
- They try to make you feel guilty. This tactic was successful manipulation at all times and at all levels of human relations. The sad thing here is that the victim of this tactic is not amenable to the requirements of manipulators because they want to, but because they feel they "should" do it. In personal relationships it creates interdependence, which is extremely harmful to the relationship, and for mental health.
- It is hoped that you fail memory. It manipulators have triggered often enough! You can tell him in the conversation (if, for example, a family member), you have any plans for a certain amount of money that you put off, and after a while, he suddenly announced that you promised him something buy something with the money. And retell your conversation quite differently, your words distorted in their favor. And if you will not witness, able to refute his words, or you can not prove it, or you can start to question how it was actually. And here again - and there was a sense of guilt, and it is - an additional lever of influence on you (see just above)! So, be prepared for the fact that the arm is quite ready to go and fraud.
- Likened to a broken record. One of the most obvious forms of behavior of the manipulator. Man asks and asks you about the same, coming to you something from one side, then the other ... I argued, changing tone, but the request is repeated and repeated until you do not burst patience and you do not do anything, just be from behind you!
- May resort to intimidation. If a person sees that he can not get what he wants, he starts to scare you. In the course is all that it is rich in imagination: someone "urgent" jumps pressure or a heart attack, some defiantly refuses to eat, someone even threatened to get a train. As a rule, all this is quite serious, causing no harm to afford such people will not; They rely on the fact that we have to sacrifice their interests for the sake of their welfare, and often succeed in this.
There is a wide range of tactics used by the manipulators - from verbal threats to attempts to organize the situation in accordance with their intentions. For example, one of the most common forms of manipulation becomes a "splitting" - setting up of two people against each other. Pointing talking to everyone - behind one speaks of it with the other, and then does the same with the second. Thus, it makes these people do not trust each other, and he remains in the position of controlling the situation. They might use active methods of influence on us - angry, shouting, provoke aggression. Or they can use more passive methods - sulk, or even silent expressive ignore us.
How to respond to hidden manipulation
On the straight, open threats are generally not too clever characters. Skilled manipulators affect us more subtly intimidating a veiled threats. Sometimes latent threat may not even be visible at a glance. Sometimes they put a special meaning is not what they say or do, and in fact what method or tone they use when doing something or saying. A couple of white and fluffy angels, from the robes that look out hooves and tails. Such people can so strongly affect our consciousness, the relationship of health gradually develop into exploitative.
How best to respond to the behavior and tactics of manipulators who seek to dominate and subjugate all to their control? You must start with ourselves: we must get rid of the uncertainty, anxiety and depression, which are able to bring constant communication with a person prone to manipulation, and to regain control over their lives.
Do not accept any excuses for violent or other inappropriate behavior! If someone's behavior is wrong and even harmful, all justify such behavior that the person has to offer, it is not totally irrelevant. The target can not justify the means of achieving it. Remember that once a person starts their "explanations", he immediately tries to start working again for you. If it is a stranger to you people, you can just stop all relations with him; the situation is more complicated if a loved one.
Your position should be firmly resist manipulation can not be! Manipulator never limited to one or two cases, it will seek to use its tactics constantly. But as soon as you stop to respond to his maneuvers, the focus automatically shifts from you (where he was trying to send your loved one) to his misbehavior. And there's your close will have to change something in yourself!
Why do people want to manipulate others?
Although you need to be alert, but be afraid of other people trying to manipulate you still not worth it. Their efforts can give you the opportunity to help another person to become better than he is now. Of course, if this person is close to you and his fate is not indifferent to you. In addition, once you understand why he is trying to manipulate you, your fear is replaced by compassion. And because of your attitude appeared sympathy for him will never develop into a reciprocal aggression.
Why do some people use to manipulate the man from whom they want to achieve something? Yes, because they are weak. Weak person should not be afraid, it can only regret. Its weakness comes in many forms and includes feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. These people are trying to make others do what they do, they believe, will not be able to do. They are trying to compensate for their feelings of powerlessness, having power over others.
In addition, people who feel flawed and even live a miserable life, and would like others to see unhappy. When they manage to poison someone's life, they find it a relief for yourself, because the pain of others distract their attention from their own pain. Thinking some fans manipulated somewhat distorted, and they either begin to believe that they have the right to demand something from others, or feel our wards, and therefore they are entitled to the right to special privileges - so they say.
Whatever the reason for the propensity to manipulate, in any case, this tendency is based on the weakness. So, when a person decides to go to his usual way, making you feel guilty, do not give in and do not turn their weakness into his. If you encounter manipulation - do not give in to fear, especially if you are trying hard to scare. Do not be afraid to lose the friendship, do not justify the expectations and disappointing her friends. You are responsible for your life, not her destiny.
We live to help others; but we can not help others when engaged in solving their problems. How can we get others to be strong, if we ourselves are weak? How do we want others to defend their rights, if we do not protect their own? In the world there is a lot of unhappiness, and it is, this world needs a lot of people who are able to spread the joy. However, when we do what we do not want, only contributes to the misery in the world. Let's increase will be fun!