Friendship - one of the greatest gifts of life. This excellent relationship of two people who are close to each other in spirit, care for each other and wish each other the best. True friendship carries honest and faithful relationship between friends who understand each other so as not to be able to understand one another. In a healthy friendship of the two friends feel comfortable. They can always count on the mutual support and comfort, they are near and at the best and worst times of their lives. Friends make us rejoice and laugh, give us confidence and helps to enrich our experience.
But sometimes initially healthy friendship is reborn in the oppressive relationship where there is emotional dependence one from another friend. Being together becomes not fun, almost every meeting becomes quite depressing. Friendship begins to bear fruit only poisoned.
How can I not come you have any relationship?
If you feel that your relationship with your girlfriend something has changed, try to determine what happened. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Although your help and support, your girlfriend is constantly feel unhappy?
- You propose to his girlfriend a lot more help than getting from it?
- When you meet or talk on the phone, your girlfriend is constantly dominates the conversation, talking about their problems?
- She almost did not show any interest in your life or to your problems?
- Have you not noticed that your friend feels much better after the "load" your own experiences?
- Appears Do you sometimes wish to avoid another meeting with a friend?
- Do you feel trapped, continuing the friendship?
- After each meeting with a new friend, you feel devastated?
If most of the questions you answered yes, then there is emotional dependency your girlfriend from you.
We continue to ask ourselves the questions:
- Do you think that the sense of personal safety and good self-esteem you need permanent presence or support for your girlfriend?
- Do you have a sense of loss, if you can not be with her?
- You need to love and sympathy of friends belonged exclusively to you?
- You take the rest of her friend's friends or even members of her family as their competitors?
- Are you jealous towards her?
- You are not able to make any decision or take any action without the approval of the girlfriend?
Then, of course, you - emotionally dependent on his girlfriend.
Characteristics of dependent relationships
An emotionally dependent relationship at first glance may seem quite harmless, but they can lead to bondage far more than most people can imagine. To distinguish normal, enriching both the interdependence of friends from unhealthy dependency, we now consider the factors that lead to the last: how and why emotional dependence starts on the person and how it is maintained.
We have already indicated to you some signs of emotional dependency in friendship. In order to become even more clear that the kind of phenomenon that we give even some signs, the presence of which in a relationship with a girlfriend should alert you. And this should happen, if anyone of you two:
- He prefers to spend time alone with his girlfriend and is very disappointed if someone or something that interferes;
- It examines the relationship girlfriend with other people as a threat to your relationship;
- Tests irrational anger or depression, when a friend goes somewhere;
- He refuses to see the real disadvantages girlfriend and takes a defensive stance, if you ask about it;
- Constantly showing others their importance for a friend.
And what a dependent relationship different from a healthy friendship? Healthy relationships are free
. Girlfriends do not interfere with each other to have a range of interests and communication that goes beyond their friendship
. In friendship, we strive to give to his girlfriend impetus to find new interests and develop new skills
. The dependent relationship all this is not possible, since the prevailing type of relationship only leads to restriction of personal growth
. In a normal relationship, we calmly accept everything that our friends we say and do, and our reactions are balanced; when we are emotionally dependent, random notes girlfriends can send us to the summit of ecstasy or throw into the abyss of grief
. When a close friend is leaving, it is normal to feel sadness at the same time and a sense of loss; for a dependent person, this will mean a dive into depression, panic and despair
. A healthy friendship gives joy and creativity, relationship brings degradation and slavery
Installations for the dependence of friendship
Emotional dependence comes as a surprise to most people; they do not see a problem until they have experienced it closely. Nevertheless, the relationship does not appear from the vacuum. Certain elements of our personalities and situations can trigger a sequence of events. If we know about them, it will allow us to determine when you have to be especially careful in our friendly relations.
Who is affected by dependence (Attitudes)?
In general, any person under the pressure of circumstances may fall into dependence on another person. However, there are some general patterns of personality, which constantly gravitate to each other to form a dependency. Variations on this theme include:
- Relation type "Consultant + people with problems";
- Relation type "one who likes to keep everything under control + the one who needs direction";
- Relation type "parent + child";
- Type of relations "teacher + student."
Although the pair and look like a tandem of strong and weak, in need of another person, in fact, are both people - need. "Weak" in need of help and support, and "strong" has a deep need to be needed.
Case installation when we are most vulnerable?
At different times in our lives, each of us feels insecure and is ready to seize the saving hand. That's when this could happen:
- Crises in life - divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job;
- Transitional periods - the need to adapt to a new job, moving to a new home, enroll in college, the beginning of family life;
- The peak period of pressure - the last week of the session, all hands on deck at work, serious illness, a quarrel in the family, major holidays and Eve;
- When we leave the familiar environment, where we feel comfortable and safe - a trip to rest, treatment in a sanatorium, participated in the conference, departure on a business trip.
We also vulnerable when miss or are in a depression. The best way to avoid trouble in the form of falling into dependence at this time - to recognize our need for themselves to support and advance planning, these needs without going beyond healthy friendship. The main thing - do not forget that the problems begin to develop and accumulate when we demand too much support from one person trying to use it to solve all their problems.
Why is hard to get rid of dependence?
Even when the two friends realize that their friendship becomes completely healthy, they may have great difficulty in overcoming addiction. Why is this happening? Yes, because we usually stick to that relationship, which we consider in some way beneficial to themselves. No matter how painful relationship, it still gives us some satisfaction. The fear of losing is satisfying and makes it almost impossible rejection of the growing dependence. Some of the perceived benefits of this relationship include:
- Emotional security - dependent relationship gives us the feeling that we have, at least, at least one person to whom we can fully count on. This creates a sense of belonging to someone;
- The need for spiritual intimacy, warmth and love - it can be filled via a dependent communication;
- Self-esteem - our ego is magnified when someone admires us and praises;
- Relief from boredom - a relationship that might add excitement and romance when life seems boring, really can be exciting;
- Escape from liability - the emphasis on maintaining the dependent relationship of friendship can provide a way out of facing us personal problems and responsibilities;
- Stability - a lot of people do not know other ways to maintain relationships. They are afraid to give up what they know, for the sake of something unknown.
But particularly you - why do you allow yourself to continue an unhealthy friendship based on the plot? To help decide, we invite you to answer a few more questions:
- Do you really want to feel needed and important for a friend?
- You want to be a kind of glue that holds people together to?
- It irritates you when your friend is trying to solve not only your problem?
- Do you seem to other people's problems more important than your own?
- Are you trying to get other people to keep the focus of your problems?
- Do you feel dissatisfaction with the relationship with my girlfriend?
- Do you feel somewhat guilty about it?
- Do you have problems with the definition and protection of your personal boundaries?
Answer these questions, and then return to the first part of this article and find out what type of relationship - healthy or dependent - is your friendship.
Out of dependence - where to draw the line?
Now is the time to think about how to make our relationships with friends safer to avoid constant frustration. Find satisfaction and peace in our relationships with other people - first priority; but how do we change the old patterns, to get rid of emotional dependency? If you or your girlfriend need each other for a considerable length of time, to change the nature of your friendship will not be easy. Especially hard to rid the relationships of dependence, if not dependent on you and your friend, and at the same time once you understand the need for any changes.
Maybe your friend already scared his propensity to addiction all his former friends, and maybe you are the only person who agrees to tolerate it. But this should not be your problem, and it needs to learn to stand on their own feet and not rely on the continued support. You do not have to do for someone that they are able to do for themselves. We have to help her friends to become stronger and self-sufficient, and not to encourage further weakness and dependence. This love for a friend can sometimes be quite tough, because not for nothing that they say that the good should be with fists!
There are various ways to cope with addicted people. Here are some of them:
- Be honest. Tell your friend about your concerns and how her behavior affects you. Explain that you just can not play this role further.
- Change the nature of your relationship. Set clear boundaries so that she could know what she should not do or say.
- Make a plan for yourself a good time in good company, to fundamentally change the focus of your relationship. Agree that as soon as the fun event is over, you immediately gets going home, keeping a good mood, but do not stay to discuss its problems.
- Invite a friend to expand the circle of contacts, find new friends, recording, for example, in the clubs. Explain to her that it will remove unnecessary pressure on you; Give clear that you think it unreasonable expectation that you have for her only partner for dialogue.
- Tell a friend that you have to concentrate on solving their own problems and have to take care of his family, which also has its own needs.
- Take a break in the friendship, give yourself a break from it. You are entitled to their own time, and you have a right to enjoy their lives.
- Gradually distancing himself from your friendship by spending less time on problem solving girlfriend. So you train it to independence.
- If you see that relationship takes a painful character, advise her friend to see a psychologist.
- If you have tried everything that was possible, but the results did not get - it's time to say goodbye to such a friendship.
Emotional dependence indicates the presence of a big problem, do not pay attention to that it would be unwise. While a healthy friendship - a balanced relationship, which are characterized by mutual, not unilateral concessions and effort. Her friends - it's not a doctor and patient. Support each other should lead to personal growth, not new problems. A good friend will appreciate your generous efforts to help her, not take advantage of them and not become dependent on you. A good friend will respect you and never want to be a burden to you!