Until a few decades ago, divorce was an extremely rare occurrence. However, to date the divorce is quite normal, and women often raise children on their own. However, life does not end after the divorce, and often a woman marries again. Stepfather in the family is not uncommon these days and surprise someone - either it is already very difficult.
However, it goes without saying that the appearance of a stranger adult in the family, in which there are children, can not pass unnoticed. Of course, there are families in which such changes take place in the family is almost painless, as they say, "without a hitch, without a hitch." However, so far no luck to all families, to be absolutely accurate - all units.
In the majority of his family in which there is a stepfather, inevitably faced with a fairly large number of a wide variety of problems and conflicts, ranging from the smallest and ending with quite serious. And, as a rule, conflicts arise primarily between stepfather and children. And there before the conflict, and a man with a woman on the doorstep.
Is it possible to prevent these conflicts? Despite the fact that a single, universal recipe perfect for any family, quite simply does not exist. However, experienced family psychologists still give a few general tips that can help smooth this difficult adjustment period for the family, bringing conflicts to a possible minimum.
In this article we will talk about how as soon as possible to eliminate any possible conflicts between the stepfather and the child, as well as help them build friendships and trust between the child and the new family member - her stepfather. It's actually really, though will have to try and make some effort. It is not necessary to hope that the situation will resolve itself, and much less demand from the child that he took the first steps towards reconciliation.
That adults have to take full responsibility for what happens in the family, because they have and experience. And wisdom is much more than a child. And besides, in any case, do not forget that it is they need these changes in life, and certainly not a child. Accordingly, your card in hand - the child is not required to adjust to you.
Dad or uncle?
The first question. That needs to be clarified from the outset - this is how the child should refer to the new family member. Often, a woman, guided by the desire as quickly as possible to accustom the child to her new husband, makes call him Dad. In some cases, the child obeyed his mother and began to call her stepfather dad practically from day one.
As a rule, such a development is typical of the two cases. Or, in the case where the child is still too small, and the word mother for him yet indisputable truth, the Pope he remembers the bad, and the moral aspects and mental anguish because of their age is concerned very little, or in the event that the child is so afraid of his mother that she does not dare to object.
And if in the first case, as a rule, specific problems in the relationship and the child's stepfather does not arise, of course, provided that the stepfather is an adult and intelligent person, capable to accept and love a child the woman he loved, in the second case the situation is much worse.
And it is not surprising - call - the Pope stranger will, but sincerely love him baby once unlikely. Yes, he will not enter into open conflict with his mother and stepfather, but here is what will happen in his soul, will remain a mystery.
Moreover - perhaps in the case if the child is not forced to call his stepfather father, such problems would not arise, as the child over time, be able to understand and accept a new member of the family, and it is very possible and truly love it. But it forced the pope naming his stepfather often causes severe contradictions and sense of protest in the child.
That is why the family psychology, based on a great experience and the results of the monitoring of such families in which there was a new man, I have a clear point of view on this issue. In no case do not force the child to anything whatsoever, and especially to ensure that the child is admitted his poor dad.
But this is what you call upon him, forcing the pope to call a complete stranger still for him human. For a child it is a strong psychological shock whose strength is such that not every adult will be able to cope with it. And what can we say about a small child? Believe me - if your child wants to fall in love with her stepfather and that he himself must sooner or later would call his dad. But of course, this is true only in relation to preschool - school children and teenagers are unlikely to make it voluntary.
It is much more reasonable that the child spoke to his stepfather's name. On the one hand, it will be much easier for a child who does not feel like a traitor to his native father. Believe me, this concept for a child is not an empty phrase - for it is a real tragedy.
A second side - an appeal on behalf of a lot easier for most of his stepfather. After all, he is now also accounts for a very, very difficult - in fact it comes in someone else's family. New habits, new schedule, a completely new way of life, a child. This is for the mother the child is an indispensable and long-familiar natural part of her life. And for a man your child - absolutely a stranger, habits, desires, demeanor is totally unknown. And the man, even the most sensitive and caring, take some time to find the child.
And in that case, if a child rejects his stepfather and strongly protests against his appearance in their lives with his mother, the man has to do is very difficult. Put yourself in his place - you're in a completely unfamiliar situation, trying to get comfortable, to be good. And all your efforts categorically rejected more. You are constantly trying what - something to blame.
And if men still do not have their children, then for your child and it does seem kind of alien creature. And it is much more difficult to be a father to your child. Of course, this does not in any way mean that the man will not be able to accept and love your child - if you really like, you can. However, do not expect that he will be a real father. And here is another, mentor and advisor to be quite capable, and most likely, over time, it will be so.
Therefore, if the appeal on behalf of suits both parties - and a child, and her stepfather, perhaps, is to stay on this version. Typically, in these cases, the man did not protest. But if he suddenly starts to insist on handling the child's "father", be sure to talk to him and explain that it is necessary to improve both - and the child, and himself.
Warn in advance!
Very often, the adults themselves create very significant prerequisites for the emergence of interpersonal conflicts between the stepfather and child. And the first mistake that is common - it is the effect of surprise. In no case do not make the child a surprise, which can be unpleasant - do not place the child with a fait accompli.
Often, a woman hiding their relationship from the child, especially if he is in a difficult adolescence, in the mistaken belief that it would be better. However, the better it will be unlikely. After all, why it is hiding the truth from a child? Because the mother suspects that perhaps the emergence of various conflicts.
But you must understand that to avoid conflicts you will not succeed in any case - sooner or later you will have to inform the child, if, of course, you plan to legalize their relationship and live together. However, all these conflicts added another problem - the strongest resentment against you for what you have hidden the truth from him.
So try to put the child aware of the alleged marriage beforehand. Although, of course, all the time, and to acquaint the child with his chosen is only necessary if your relationship is serious enough, and plans - quite accurate and certain. Otherwise, after the second - the third stop dating the child to perceive how you though - some seriously.
Be prepared for the fact that your child will be a lot of variety of issues. And almost all of them will relate primarily to himself. Do not be scared of it. And even more so in any case should not blame the child in selfishness - these questions are absolutely natural and normal. And the question may seem naive or a chur, or, on the contrary, insensitive.
For example, a child may ask whether it is -prezhnemu to go with my mother to the movies, go to the grandmother, whether he is allowed to, as before, in the morning to come to her mother in bed, and the like. And these questions are quite natural - after all the main guarantee for the child peace of mind is precisely the stability of his life. And the emergence of a new family member can not go without change. And, in addition, the child's life experience has so far yet, so for him, many quite obvious and self-evident thing is that they seem a mystery. So be prepared for the fact that you have very patiently and thoroughly answer all the questions in the child.
And try not to postpone the conversation for an indefinite period. The earlier you put fame and child in response to his questions, the more he will have time to get used to this idea and take it. So, the fewer problems you will have later.
The first meeting of his stepfather and child
Very often it happens that a woman brings her future husband home, not previously acquainted with his child. But do not forget that in the morning to find the bathroom or kitchen outside man, the child may experience a real psychological shock. It is silly to hope that the child will understand yourself.
Therefore, the first acquaintance with the child's stepfather ideally should occur where - somewhere in neutral territory - in the park, cafes, a cinema. Moreover, such meetings should be at least two - three. And only then can you invite a man to ride or to visit him. And in this case, the duration of visits should be increased gradually until the child is not fully accustomed to the stepfather.
Raising a child stepfather
Another stumbling block is the question of whether to raise the child's stepfather. Who - that says yes and he strongly believes in what his stepfather in the family is not entitled to raise a child, some say that it must be involved in the upbringing of the child.
Who is right? In fact, the right and those and others. However, all must be at the time and in the measure. Of course, a man should not begin to scold and even more so to punish the child from the first days of occurrence in his life. Thus nothing but violent protest, anger and spoiled relations make him fail.
However, completely eliminated from the educational process in any case impossible. After all, the man and the child are members of one family. So, ignore each other is unlikely to succeed. Let us remember that education - is not only reprimand the child and his punishment. Personal example, friendly advice, feasible help that child needs - all this is also part of the educational process.
By the way, very often mothers, worrying about how the relationship will develop and beloved child, and future husband, unwittingly allow the same mistake - try not for a moment leave the child alone with the stepfather. But psychologists say that such a dialogue face to face very positive effect on the development of relations between the child and his stepfather.
And it's not so surprising. In your presence, and his stepfather, and the baby constantly feel some stiffness, because they are afraid to say or do something wrong, and thus offend or upset you. Alone, they can ask each other all their questions, and the chances of finding a common language they are much higher.
And most importantly - remember that the fact that the family appeared stepfather can not spoil the relationship between mother and child.