* * *
Life - a heavy burden. And everyone bears it as he sees fit. Or does not bear at all, giving up all at once.
My husband had hanged himself. You can not imagine what was the reason for such an act. In an instant to erase all that was. Only he is now well and those who have continued to live - to solve problems, work, have fun ...
Now there was only a memory lived with him for four and a half years. We lived all. It was good, because they loved. Although in our relationship, I allowed myself to love. He was more emotional in love relationships, excessively jealous of its masculine nature - Monogamous. I was enough to live with him, care for him, quietly, to himself, but to the soul, and to love that person. I was happy. I was going to live with this person for life, raise children. But he did not want to. I do not have the strength, nerves, patience to endure, to understand, to decide ...
His decision to commit suicide was unanimous, more meaningful than spontaneous, and no it was not needed. The manifestation of the highest degree of selfishness.
But life has not stopped, not froze. It still blooms in spring, warm summer, autumn and crying freezing winter. We Werth in the whirlpool, make decisions, create problems and just live.
In place of the severe heartache come the joyful moments. I want to breathe, smile, meeting ...
New relationships overshadowed sad thoughts. Again, there is lightness, courage into my head romance, flirting, flirting. Everything seems just absurd and bright.
Now, just me and my child. The little girl, still a baby. Memory eternal, everlasting love and a daughter - all that my husband left me. All the tenderness, care, love, affection give your child. We are now without a father: without support, without love, without attention. Nobody and nothing can replace my husband, daughter - the father. Still love was strong, searing hot. I loved him as she could.
And now a constant parallel between the husband and the men that seek to take his place, who just want to meet, who have their own plans, his own life, but, nevertheless, looking for me. I look at them and be sure to compare with her man, with whom he lived in close contact, which was experiencing pain, loss, separation, happy moments of life ...
There was no one closer, no one dearer. It's fate, so it was necessary that the last years of his life he spent it with me. We did not need one, we did not need a rest from each other, we relaxed and were happy together. We did not go to the left, not looking for meeting friends, not trying to run away from problems. Still, something was missing ...
* * *
My old friend, a close friend, an open and friendly people greeted me with open arms. There was no desire, the desire to conceal the feelings that were hidden in the heart towards him. He always liked me, and I always felt a sense of awe at the sight of him. It was not love, passion, or something else, just have people who trust and trust from the first minute dating. The warmth, tenderness, desire to be warmed always accompanies me when should just think about it. But being married, I did not have time for it to seek meetings with this man. I do not have to. I had given her only man. Only left alone, I was looking for communication, so as not to become isolated, do not sink into the heavy thoughts.
So it was necessary that we met. And very quickly, I give my soul to the mercy of the man.
Sympathy, the desire - it was not to occupy. To sleep immediately. But the meetings were so rare, on occasion, that the soul and heart of flour tormented flesh. In love one each other is not explained. Yes, probably, it was not necessary. Neither him nor me. Love was not. She just wanted to be together, to talk, to kiss, fondle each other. That's just always want more. While I was living in a marriage, his life went on as usual. His relationship with the girl did not survive the distance. But, in my opinion, our meeting - a few times a month - it seems to me, in no way inferior love at a distance.
It is difficult, of course, do all to call it love. After all, love requires a certain amount of time to its heyday. But we were good together: warm, cozy, comfortable. That's only in love, as in rheumatism do not believe to the first attack.
Our secret meetings at night. At the meeting always kisses me, a vacation home - kisses. But it is only when we are alone. I have many times wondered: and he kissed me at a meeting in the city? When asked him about it, he said that he had nothing to fear and, of course, would have kissed. I honestly do not believe it.
Meetings were hot, passionate. I did not have to. I took down the roof, I have opened in front of him as to anyone else. Even my husband did not know this. As the volcano was our bed, which at any moment could erupt. And he erupted.
Our attitude has given a clear and short definition - close friends. Now the term "friend" is very multifaceted. And can inadvertently confused. Children do not want to get married do not intend to. Entirely given to his work, his passion - and lives with him. I respect people who are making all themselves, by developing the knowledge, study interesting things. But without fanaticism. So life will pass.
Trailer I went to him with the idea of a joint family life. Frankly - disappointed. But it's his life and he makes choices and decisions. And I, if I want to continue the relationship, should just put up with his desire. Close your mouth and receive physical pleasure. More I will not.
Soul invest, give yourself up to the end, dedicate yourself to it - a thankless job - in return, "the muzzle to his head, shattered heart, the river changes, the ocean of lies." I do not like I forced myself not to think about it, but it was in vain. He rushed headlong into the heart. I started to wake up thinking about it, I began to live for the sake of meeting with him ...
Earlier I somehow kind to men, which I liked. I saw them as potential suitors, future husbands, fathers of my children. It does not matter that I knew them just anything. One night - I was ready to give them heart and soul. Be humble and do everything for them, not allowing them to strain to think of something. I myself think about it all, I'll do it myself. Not much I took over? Given this my behavior, all the guys would just lay on the couch, smoking would be in bed after a sluggish sex would drink beer and spit on everyone and everything. I myself turned the men in rags, in doormats, which are not sorry to wipe his feet.
But the sneaking suspicion that the men flee from such trepidation on my part. I'm too open for them. And they do not have to strain to win me. Is everything ready. Do you want to - take. And some take it and do not want. But that was before.
Now, if you're a man - whether it is to the end. Be able to take responsibility for their actions and words, learn to take responsibility and proudly carry this burden.
"I do not want to wait, you do not want. However, it is clear only that the girl will be with you, which is able to wait, to tolerate and respect your time passion, work. It's simple: shut up, shut up - do not worry. Still, you're not such a simple man, as it might seem at first glance. You are open, honest, but his soul is not shown. The main thing, very skillfully makes you open up, talk, talk, say, about themselves, about their lives, much more. Just not every way will be opened, so not everyone will trust. "
He's a smart, strong, independent. Do not call for help, while he copes with the difficulties of life obstacles.
Every time we met, he was not verbose, but if it starts to tie some dialogue, he was always able to support him: to share their opinions, express their attitude to what is happening. Is it something that you can not explain that to him so drawn. Whether he knows how to listen, he never goes against, or his kindness and warmth in the relationship so beckons.
Sex with him - it is something. What did it cost for me one of his playful word "undressed." I was thrilled, I was getting wet, it cost him to touch me, I trembled from his kisses.
"I will wait, I will endure, I will keep silent. And all for the sake of being with you. Yes, a husband should you go, leave me as your place began to occupy other people. Lord, why you do not, why left. I miss you so much. Empty without you. "
* * *
"I want to live, I want to feel the pain, enjoy the little things, to be satisfied because something turns out to be happy when my baby smiles, laughs. How little is needed for happiness, and how much to order, that would just live. You do not want to. You do not want to live with me, with my daughter. Why all this?
This is not a life is not destiny. It's not that. You can not explain everything. You can not believe everything that happens. There is no pattern, there are no rules, there are no coincidences. It just happens. When, what, where, why ...?
We raise children to have someone to bury us. "
* * *
I'm like everybody else and not like that. I can and I can not, I can not know how I want and do not want. Only there "must", because nothing can be done, do not fix it, can not rewrite his story ...
Although you can do in spite of everything, just to prove to someone and for some reason that you are, what you can. You can simply do away with the life that you have not gone, but that all of you were talking about. That's when you just get to talk about yourself, make many people think that is not so simple in this life.
I'm still a child. I play in the sandbox with her future husband. He's such a sweetheart. I'm older than two years. Most do not remember anything. Our paths in a single time were parallel, not intersecting. He stumbled over his bumps, I'm on your own. He had his problems, difficulties, I have my own. We were brought up on the opposite concepts of life, morals, families. We were different from birth. And let the opposition converge only in films, in life - ever: we had a special occasion.
"When a woman gets married, her life changes dramatically, depending on whom she married. Everything related to her husband - and is associated with it. What kind of life I have with you?
You know the saying, married not to attack - only to married not divide. And I'm afraid of the life that is waiting for me with you.
Married - it means the husband, a stone wall (different, of course, there are the husbands, and not every stone wall will withstand the pressure) for a reliable support. And I doubt you every time. You're an unreliable man, you do not know how to live, you're not independent, infantile, a thousand definitions can give you. You live one day, all that is now - everything later, but tomorrow will be naked. And so I have to be your support, your stone wall. You know that your mother and I will spare you, help, support, give money, if only you were good. Just run away from reality. Just do not find another way to get through to you, or maybe just do not want to. I do not want to lose you, your presence, to communicate with you. I just love you, in spite of everything, in spite of everything. I like this as you are.
You just do not know how to seek himself, you seem helpless, and therefore require reliable, strong-minded people. It is education, a model of behavior in you invested at birth, and it was not close to the person who would say that you can not live like this. A man must justify its proud name.
Nothing is worse than death. Whatever happens in life, but death forces us to look at things differently, to people relations. Just for a moment, everything freezes even feel this dead silence, but then again the heart continues to beat, the lungs fill with air, swallowing. Only here the man who was close to you, whom you knew and loved - no longer notice it. A heartbeat - is not the whole life.
I regret that the school board memory is not that it can not be erased with a wet rag that is inscribed hope, joy, grief. I've wanted to forget - it is impossible. "
* * *
"As far as I know, a man appreciates a woman is not that she had given him, and what he put into it. Man will never be of any value nor want a woman that it does not cost anything. That, in that nothing invested, do not mind losing. It would be to me to think about it. And that is too fast I was his. "
The man I fell in love for whom sacrifice their patience, their principles, just threw me. But she knew not change his principles for the sake of love.
He lit a fire in me and did not bear any responsibility for mine fires. What you experience when in love, perhaps, is the normal state. Love points out what should be a man.
That night was his last. He is a violent force and passion took me like last time. Kissing, talk about life, "a great dinner," only the "Dessert" was bitter.
I was flying, I lived, I breathed in deeply, because I knew that I have it. Let our visits were from case to case, but I was waiting for them, counting the days, hours, minutes. And a simple SMS-ka filled me with emotion, forced to boil the blood ...
Everything was good: sex, chat. He valued me for my mind, insight. "I like smart women" - he said to me, and always staring into my eyes. There's only one catch: I'm smart - I understand. And I still do. With years of experience comes, and what it is richer, the wiser man. This alone saved me from rash acts, senseless cries, screams and snot. I have learned not to cry.
From our very first meeting, he seemed to be repeated that it is not for family life, is not the time to burden yourself problems to which he is not ready. He's too busy with his own interests. At the time, it seemed to me that he did not know what to do with the notion of "family", he simply afraid. But I told him that is on the horizon appear soplyachke, seeing that he eknet heart, he forgets everything. He will begin to run after "an adult nymphet" because she did not seriously worried. It is his life for it will turn inside out, he fell in love, he married ...
As he abruptly changed his plate: "I'm not small, it is time to think about how to organize your life." This he said under the impression from the girl that made him change the course of his thoughts about the future. He had, without knowing, I have already started to think and speak differently.
"Why, you're a bitch that night slept with me, made my body tremble from the languor, delight ??? Why not just say that we no longer have? When we first met you comforted me, why now do not want to console? "
I run from the thought, but a circular motion still encounters them. And the direction is not changed. I am concerned, they do not give focus. During the day, still live concerns, and closer to the night, when her daughter was asleep, the silence - and I'm alone with my thoughts ...
"And you young, smart guy posing in offense did not give, do not succumb to any provocation, nor the entreaties of fools that exhibit before you, complaining about fate and requires you to desperation."
Usually, if you start to complain about life, then you demand too much from it.
"You're not rude vyskazhesh, not drive, do not put out the door, you will not force to close the mouth - a subtle psychological turn - people will come to more or less the right decision when favors when the tongue fly off all that pent up. You should just be patient. And everything. "
For the first time in my life I was humiliated in front of a man, and let the love no humiliation, I was then very ashamed. Not in front of him, not for himself, but to herself. I have my pride at the moment tucked far away and did not allow a low profile. Where was my self-esteem? Value for so excel? I know one thing, he did not appreciate.
All insisted that understands me. Nothing endearing not softened his heart, like the knowledge that he is loved.
I am inclined to believe him, his honesty in a relationship is all that he does and what he thinks.
"I first met her ideal man, which was built in the first and subsequent relationship. But svegda someone something was missing, and I could not understand what it was. And just when I should enter the same river twice, once again stepping on the same rake, I was able to collect all the puzzle into a single image. The irony of life. Right now I understand the meaning of unrequited love. It is impossible to make, to persuade, to ask the other person to love. You can not bite yourself elbow, as well as to himself with his knee in the ass, but life is so we can turn out inside out, that inadvertently believe that anything is possible ... "
"I love you and I do not know what to do with this love. Do not throw, do not lose, do not kill. It is very difficult to ask for forgiveness, to apologize, even when very guilty. Also, I find it hard to talk, seemingly simple words "I love you."
Very rarely I told my husband about his love. Increasingly, his "I love you", replied: "I love you." That's all.
It's hard to say the words, I can not bring myself to, it's stronger than me.
And I tell him about your feelings can not. It is difficult, it is difficult. I'd like to see his reaction, but I think it is useless, it is not worth doing. He does not appreciate, do not understand, do not forgive. Zaden male ego. And there is nothing miserable, nasty, what stung the pride of man.
"I want you to cry, to hurt you, that you suffer. I want you to understand that you can not do with me.
Of course not.