What you can experience during the burning of treason
When infidelity can be forgiven?
Treason is probably the most devastating loss, a person can experience. To be loyal to someone, a person must first experience the full confidence of the traitor. Agree, there is no betrayal, if you do not trust someone. Thus, it can be determined that the betrayal - an act of violation of your trust to someone, betrayed by the man from whom you do not expect.
This betrayal has different forms and is found not only in love. For example, a child is betrayed when it is subjected to violence by their parents, who should protect, love, support and defend it. The husband is betrayed when his partner decides to infidelity and gets a lover or a mistress. Treason - is when someone, whom you completely trust, deceive you, abuse your trust, or when you need his help, putting their own interests ahead of your own. Such is the psychology of betrayal.
Treason as a loss
We do not accidentally say that this is one of the most devastating losses relating to treason. We use the term "loss" to describe the consequences of betrayal. Unfortunately, in today's society can be traced trouble understanding the concepts of "loss" and "mountain". We understand that when someone dies, we are experiencing loss and grief, but often we are not aware of other forms of loss that can experience in life. The loss can be the loss of a person through death; but you can lose a person, for example, due to illness. Here's an example to make it clearer what is at stake when one spouse loses his memory, and most of the intelligence after he developed Alzheimer's disease, the healthy spouse may experience a loss of communication or loss of emotional support.
Loss can include things that are intangible. For example, trust. When one person is changed to another, thereby betraying him, the second person will lose credibility. When we trust someone, we believe that this man will never hurt us; and if he still did it, we understand that he considered it possible to cause us the pain. Thus, we have lost something very important in our relations; therefore we say that cheating - is primarily a loss. The loss, which causes grief is no less than death.
The reason that cheating is the devastating loss of view, it is the fact that most of this loss, which did not have to happen to us. This only happens because someone deliberately allowed himself to unacceptable behavior or displayed unforgivable carelessness, and went on about their own weaknesses. In contrast, the losses caused by the death or illness, here in front of a man who goes on treason, there is usually a choice. And the one who was betrayed, suffers from the fact that this choice was not made correctly and betrayal took place.
Treason as a loss of illusions
It should not be forgotten when we talk about the fact that such a betrayal that is sometimes lost when this very treason could be the loss of illusions. Too often we make an idea about the world in line with our opinion on how things "should" be. However, reality does not always correspond to the demands that we make to yourself, to others, to life itself. So sometimes we feel pain when confronted with this reality.
For example, imagine children growing up in a family where loving parents to properly care for them, always putting children's needs above their own. We can say that these children grow up in a supportive environment, a happy family. But! They do not know that their parents did not love each other and keep the family just for them. When children grow up, they suddenly find themselves faced with the fact that their parents divorced. It is safe to say that the grown children will be unhappy because they feel cheated in their illusion of a happy family what they have always believed it. All of a sudden, they are faced with the reality, and it hurt them.
Or another example. When a man marries a woman, he thought of her as a virtuous and moral person. Later he finds out that she had before the start of their relationship numerous sexual "adventures." His conception of the relationship to his wife suffered a crushing defeat. Man feels betrayed, though she had done nothing wrong against him for the time of marriage; his sense of betrayal is the loss of illusions about what he considered his wife a completely different person.
However, even if adultery is just the loss of illusions, feelings of grief at this very real, and the situation must somehow resolve. Sometimes it is very difficult to do because the perpetrator does not consider himself as such, because the fact of treason was not. So with this type of loss often have to cope on their own.
What is the process of grief?
Given that change - especially a loss, then, to know how to survive, it is necessary to understand the process of mourning that always accompanies loss. Most often, when people are faced with infidelity, they experience emotions that are so strong that for a long time they were unable to return to normal life. Therefore, if you are committed, you have to understand what kind of emotions captured you and why you are having them. Only by understanding this, you will be able to take reasonable action.
Woe, the process involves several stages: the actual loss, abandonment of loss of awareness, anger, sadness and recognition of losses. Often, these steps may be reversed, or one step may be experienced more acutely than others, or some stage may last longer than others. However, the most important part of this process is that it is impossible to get to the final stage, without going through all the stages. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the early stages, that does not allow them to move on. Sometimes even so, that someone stays in one of the stages for years.
One of the most acute phase of the mourning process - the rejection of the loss of awareness. Most often, people want to avoid the experience of grief, because emotions at the same time there are too intense. The refusal may be expressed in behavior that might help to switch from thinking about losing. This may be overeating, drug or alcohol abuse, gambling. This type of behavior can be called an escape from emotion. People also avoid emotions in other ways, including using the refusal to believe in the obvious facts.
The stage of anger is also quite heavy for the grieving stage. Usually at this stage often gets stuck most victims of infidelity. They are so immersed in the focus on the errors that committed partner that can not even fully experience other emotions, such as grief due to the loss as a result of infidelity relationship. And if someone, for example, "stuck" at the stage of denial, it becomes, in contrast, focused only on forgiveness. They want to solve the problem so quickly and return to their seats, which completely deny the full experience of anger and grief associated with the loss. And do not even realize that these emotions they still have to try, even if the relationship is restored.
What you can experience during the burning of treason
The first stage - the shock and denial, when there was only cheating or you've just become aware of it. You can physically feel numb all over the body or on the contrary as if you're being hit hard in the stomach, so that even the breath away. Conversely, you can flatly refuse to believe in the fact of treason. If you have heard about the change from a third party, you may be inclined to ignore this man or even be mad at him. This step, however, is rather short, especially when the fact becomes obvious infidelity.
The next stage - anger. After cheating ceased to be a mystery, and the loss has been recognized and accepted, the person may feel intense anger. This is a very delicate stage, because so many things can go wrong in the process. First and foremost, it is important to recognize that such emotions as anger, quite normal in such a situation; but our actions, which may be under the influence of anger, might be too reckless. Many people, when they first experienced pain and react with great anger, are inclined to believe that revenge, cause pain response to the person who caused them suffering.
It is a natural desire, but it is best not to react at this stage. It is better to first give emotions to settle down, and then decide how you are going to react. Even if it takes a few weeks or even months is still better to wait than to bitterly regret the hasty actions. Of course, this does not mean that you should be completely passive. In fact, a completely normal person say: "I am so angry right now I can not think calmly. I need some time to recover. "
Feeling angry, people want somehow to express it. Most of all I want to say it to the person who caused the pain. However, this is not a safe way. Apostate is going through its own negative emotions and solve problems that had penetrated as a result of infidelity appeared too much. Therefore, most likely, it will defend itself vigorously. Such talk will not relieve you or him.
It is better to talk to someone who will listen to you and respond calmly so as not to add fuel to the fire. You will probably be easier to hear, "I can understand why you are angry" rather than "He's really a bastard! You should throw it! "Therefore it is better to talk to a close friend who knows you well and will be able to find the right words, or a consultant on issues of family and marriage that will tell you how to act properly.
Another way to express their feelings - to transfer them to paper. You can pour out their grief in a personal blog, you can simply write a letter to herself or to the person who hurt you. However, the latest idea is not very good, so you need to first understand their feelings and intentions. Therefore, we can write it, but do not send. The format of the letter can be very useful at this stage of grief, because you have the impression as if you are talking to that person, and you have the ability to "pull the pair" without having to later regret it.
It must be admitted that the vent, to vent his anger is necessary, otherwise you become too irritable and eventually begin to transfer their anger at the people who have done you no harm. Acknowledge your anger, understand that this is a normal reaction, and let it out! You can even physically defuse your anger, for example, how to beat them pillow. Or banged against the floor a couple of cans of his favorite pickles.
Another step - sadness. You will go through the wrath to come to grief. You will experience this feeling when you start to be fully aware that they lost after cheating has occurred. You start to think about the good things that were in your relationship. Do you regret the destroyed confidence, knowing that he would never be able to regain full confidence back. As soon as someone is cheating on us, we can then get to the point where we can continue the relationship with this man, but now we know exactly what he is able to deliver us. Such is the psychology of betrayal - a traitor always find an excuse, and there is no guarantee that the next time he does not do the same.
Feeling sad, you just have to give it out, as we did, and his anger. Again, you can write about what you're feeling right now. Or tell the person to whom do you trust. And, of course, will be very good if you give yourself a good cry!
The latest stage of grief - acceptance. This process of healing emotional wounds. It was "invented" by nature to help us cope with the numerous losses that we experience throughout life. After all, we sometimes have to learn not only that such a betrayal, but what is death of a loved one, the loss of their own health, the sudden dismissal, loss of property due to robbery or fire - human life is not just full of surprises. Trusting your feelings, we go through the mourning process, step by step, going to healing.
If you are too trusting their feelings, reach, finally, to the point of acceptance. This is the point where they can be informed decision-making and final measures. Now you are able to think clearly about the problem and can decide what is best to do. Of course, these steps will vary depending on the person and situation. You may decide that the continuation of the relationship with this man can lead to more pain and you should not make an effort to try to maintain a good relationship with him. Or you can decide that between you was too good to be able to give up the one you love.
When infidelity can be forgiven?
Many people can not decide for themselves whether to actually forgive the man cheated on you and continue a relationship with him. It is difficult to give specific recommendations, because each person must determine what is right for him. To find a solution, try to ask yourself the following questions:
This person continues to behave in such a way that your pain is only getting stronger, and he stopped all relations on the side?
It was not his actions caused any offense to you? Did not you yourself provoked him to this act?
Whether he regretted that made you suffer, trying to somehow make amends?
How long have you known him? Your relationship began recently, or if you have been together for a long time?
This is his typical behavior or infidelity is not characteristic of him, just a single episode?
You talk frankly with him, and he took responsibility for the incident treason?
It was not this just revealed the infidelity loss of illusion for you (as described above)?
Should this person and your relationship with him forgiveness?
Maybe you need to forgive him, at least in order to move on through life without a sense of bitterness? And it does not mean that, I'm sorry, you have to continue your relationship.
The pain of betrayal is real, and has a significant impact on the lives of all those who have experienced it. This is a very painful experience, which has the power to change people's hearts. If you have been betrayed, you need time to go through their grief. It takes time to be comforted. And time to regain faith in themselves and in others. But you have to believe that your heart is hardened! It will take a commitment to believe in people again. And love. After all, "... love is a basic need of human nature, because without it, life is disturbed emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically" (Karl Menninger).