How do you want to see our family life was like a fairy tale, which was made to the classic "and they lived happily ever after!" Unfortunately, it is not seen, though, and do not want to believe that this story will soon be about us. Did not you recently numerous warnings of friends and relatives waved away the words, "That's all going to be different! "? And now you're sitting in front of her husband, and it does not cause you nothing but irritation. Common situation? Then read our article to learn all about the family crisis.
The reasons for the crisis in the family
In general, it is necessary to determine the order of what is meant by the word "crisis" For many of us it is unequivocally negative connotation, but psychologists do not always agree. The crisis - a turning point, a turning point in which the old ways of being more 'does not work. " As a rule, the crisis is a result of the invention of something new, for example, the acquisition of new behaviors or change the world.
All these things are called "normative crisis," that is, they are a variant of the norm, or even direct its index. At the heart of these crises are a family, as a rule, restructuring in the family system: the creation of a new unit of society, the birth of a child, march him to the school, the birth of her second child, and so on - all the things that pass through almost every one of us. Unfortunately, to live and to experience a crisis of this does not become easier.
What can we say about the reasons that have nothing to do with the normal course of events! They include everything that becomes stressful for the family, but is not intended to transfer the existence of the family system to a new level. What it can be an event?
The betrayal of a spouse
The most frequent reason for the crisis in the family. Unfortunately, our world is arranged so that someone from partners often something lacking in the marriage: sex, attention, love, care, power, etc. ... And this is something he or she is trying to get beyond the boundaries of family relations. But, like any intervention in the family system, it does not go unnoticed even if treason no one would know, it would still affect the general climate. Change is more guilty and attentive, and the one who changed, he's some kind of trick, and reacts accordingly. All this leads to a crisis in the family.
Fluctuations in the level of income
It's no secret that the favorable financial environment is very important for the maintenance of peace in the family. The lack of stability in this matter cuts the ground from under the feet of almost everyone, and it does not matter, because of what happened - my husband was fired from work or increased needs of other family members. In any case, lack of money or the appearance of disagreement are able to initiate a crisis, and even in some cases, put an end to family relations.
Long-term or serious illness of a family member can be a serious test for all other (and for the patient as well)
This is due to the change of many parameters of the family: family law, order and tradition, family norms and lifestyles. Healthy households are forced to care for the sick, that they are very much upset and imposes restrictions, and it makes you feel guilty. Naturally, such a situation from the psychological climate in the family does not become healthier.
Expansion or contraction of the family
We have said above about such cases when it is a regulatory crisis, for example, the birth of a child or death of a someone of the spouses. However, it can be expected and predictable event, and maybe something out of the ordinary - for example, a sudden move grandmother. In any case, this family has a very strong effect, and can cause a crisis in family relationships, as changing the boundaries, the composition and rules of life within the system. To all this you need to get used to, and not everyone will like these changes.
Drastic changes in lifestyle family
For example, a mother can go on a diet and start translating the rest on a healthy diet. Or Dad suddenly decides to do sports and begin to haul households twice a week to the gym. All of this can cause anger and misunderstanding on the part of other family members, as well as any other sharp but tangible changes. Each of us gets used to live as it is comfortable and pleasant, and the need to change lifestyles irritates any normal person.
Signs of the crisis in the family
It so happens that living with another person quite difficult. The need to adapt to take into account his opinion, to make concessions, and occasionally forget about their own comfort and desires - all this quite naturally causes a periodic cooling of family relations. However, the question arises: how to distinguish a temporary spat from the present crisis of the family? There are a number of features to help you navigate in this moment.
In the foreground, as a rule, beyond the fact that almost all the words and deeds of the partner start to cause in you a strong sense of frustration. At the level of consciousness it is manifested in the fact that he was "just infuriates all! ". Madden his actions, words, speech, gestures and other little things that are somehow connected with a partner. Sometimes it comes to outbreaks of anger and rage, which, of course, does not improve family relations.
Another manifestation of the crisis of the family is the fact that you and your husband ceased to hear and understand each other's feelings. It you about Thomas, and you tell him - about Eremu. So a vicious circle of mutual claims: is important for you to convey to the man that you do not get enough attention, and he is trying to make you understand that he was tired of the daily "brain stem". The gap between you is getting wider and wider, and here you only closes on its own claims and right. Lost all desire to share with each other the joys and sorrows, which is important in a marriage, because after marriage the husband is beginning to play the role of the most important in human life. By the way, one of the partners, as a rule, it seems that he invest more in your marriage, and sometimes think so, and husband and wife.
Naturally, in the background of all this you have reduced or even completely lost the desire for sexual intimacy. Of course, what kind of sex can be discussed when you feel as if you hate each other! Not casually intimate life is a real barometer of family relations, because it shows how close the couple in the truest sense of the word. With this is associated the fact that the partners no longer follow each other and did not try to like each other.
The consequence of all this are the constant quarrels. Spouses are unable to come to an agreement at least one more or less important issue: what movie to see tonight or who will bathe the child. Especially "fruitful" in the argument are issues related to the education and care of children. All this is due to the fact that everyone has their own idea of how things should be, and he does not want to cede a millimeter partner. "War is war" - you say and prepare for the next battle over "their territory."
What are the crises in family relationships?
As we said, there are many different family crises. Someone thinks that they come in almost the same time in different pairs, but this is not true. It happens that the couple live together for a long time, and all of a sudden they occur so-called "crisis of the first year of living together." So we just tell you about the kinds of family crises and denote the approximate time frame.
The first of the crisis in the family - it is a crisis of the first year of marriage. Its essence lies in the fact that you begin to live together and face with a difference in your perceptions about everything. By the way, even if you lived together before the wedding, not the fact that you can avoid it, because it is one thing simply to be there, and quite another - to be bound by marriage, which, in fact, forever. Here and there the idea that something with which you were willing to put up earlier, as the wife does not suit you. And the same thing is happening with your husband. For example, you think that the couple must spend all their free time together, and your partner disagree. Here there is a need to negotiate and establish rules and regulations of living together, otherwise you will slide down to endless claims against each other.
If you had survived the first crisis in the family, it is often followed by another, namely the crisis associated with the birth of a child. This is generally one of the most difficult (and, at the same time of joyful) moments in the life of the couple, because I have absolutely everything from the device family system (you had two, and you have been spouses, and now there is a third, which creates of child parental subsystem) to the way of life in every detail. You have a new item on the list of family trouble - taking care of the baby - and it needs to be somehow distributed. Now it becomes much more difficult to pay attention to each other, and no sex - to sleep! Fatigue and irritation collected and poured into a real family crisis.
Another crisis associated with children - the birth of a second child. Firstly, enhanced burden falls on the shoulders of the couple - they have to take care of both the older and the newborn infant, as it is known, in addition to joy, very tiring. And the children themselves do not add peace of mind: from the first child is often a complex "overthrow the monarchy," and it seems that it is now less than the love and all the care your child gets. The family will face another test, and parents - equally divided among their children the love and attention that is very challenging.
Hike the child in first grade - it is also one kind of family crisis. In this case there is a test of the parents, and the entire system, the efficiency at school appreciate what I learned as a child and he gets to deal with the school program. If the child at the end of the first year there are problems, it is usually a signal that the family is something wrong. And even if it all goes well, this period - a double burden on all of its members: it is necessary all together to adapt to new conditions, parents should help the child and to control it, and the child - a good student. In addition, this is the first reminder that one day the children leave the parental nest and they were alone. All together it creates a very tense atmosphere in the family.
One of the stages of family life, a crisis that is not associated with children, and it is - a crisis of monotony. Couple together for a long time, and erstwhile passion slowly wanes. New experiences are few and each spouse longs for him. It would seem - rejoice, because all the family responsibilities are distributed, life is adjusted, the children found a place in the system - but no! Routine and stability means a new stage in the development of the crisis of the family, and you have to collectively overcome the dislike of routine.
The crisis of adolescence is usually a crisis for the whole family as a whole, because maturing teenager - it is not a sight for the faint hearted. He needs freedom and independence, but he really can not do anything, because that is very angry and conflicts with parents. Those, in turn, greatly worried about the growing child trying to teach his mind to reason and a little sad, because soon it will be quite an adult, which means that the next crisis will come.
Abroad, it is called "empty nest syndrome". It is linked to the fact that adult children leave the parental family, spouses and elderly left alone with each other. And if they have, for many years of marriage, it was impossible to keep the time and space for intimacy, then they can expect a nasty surprise, namely finding alone with a man who seems to be strange and boring. This is one of the most severe crises - that this period is a lot of divorce when the couple realizes that they do not have anything in common anymore, and each received re-look yourself. Although a common language, of course, you can - because you have so many ties - but it's hard.
How to survive the crisis of the family?
Realize that you are in a crisis - the first thing you need to do
Once you understand that, life will immediately become easier. This idea can also be labeled as "transition to a state of war." You will immediately activate, stop feeling like victims and start looking for a way out of the situation.
The worst thing you can do - it is silent save frustration and anger. Sooner or later they will break into the negative words or deeds, and then a hole in the dam will not be repaired. Therefore, in every crisis you need to talk: to discuss the problem, what feelings it evokes all the members of the family, what would each of them wanted and what it takes to do that.
Most of all, please do not get absolutely everything, especially if each family member their own idea of the perfect scenario. Therefore, each of you will have something to give in and to listen to your partner. Better to do it in the least significant moment for you and ask the other person on assignment more important to you personally.
Set family rules
These rules will apply to all difficult situations and adjust their behavior to each family member. Then there is no longer question why something is happening so and not otherwise, and each will know how he should behave so as not to hurt the feelings of another. By the way, especially for establishing the boundaries within the family: how parents can get involved in the personal lives of children, each other, etc. ...
Learn to forgive and forget
If you save the insults and failures of each other, nothing good is not over. And vice versa - the ability to forgive is able to provide you with years of happy family life. Each of us can make a mistake and have to leave most families and friends of this right.
Any woman is likely to have a picture in my head, showing how things should be in family relations: the perfect job, a husband, children, family. But it is very likely that the reality is quite strongly deviates from this picture, and this is natural, because it is very complex and multi-dimensional. And if you cling to your templates, and the main thing - to try to fit others into this framework, it hurts and it will be difficult for everyone. Therefore, if you do not want quarrels and scandals, is to abandon self-image and try to draw together - and suddenly you will like it even more?
Listen to yourself
The family must be a balance: each is equally invested and the same gets. And if the whole system revolves around someone one - for example, a husband and father - then the rest of its members account for a very hard time. It is necessary to listen to yourself and sometimes to embody in life is what you want, but can just as well do the other members of your family.
If you just got sick and you feel like between you left anything good, then try to extract the facts from the past. Surely between you and your husband had plenty of all good and light: a walk in the moonlight, finding strawberries at three o'clock in the morning, joint delivery and much more. Try to regularly remember at least a few of these things and you will be much easier to understand and to forgive their own spouse.
Remember that the way you can find almost any difficult situation. Family crisis - is no exception. Of course, when you're in it, you feel that everything is hopeless, but it is necessary to go beyond the situation and try to treat it more abstractly, as you will be much easier. And by the way, the least pleasant is the position of the victim, and the most positive - the position responsible for what is happening (at least part of it). If at some point you will be quite difficult, you can always resort to the help of family psychologist consultant - he is able to help couples resolve the most complex problems. Finally I want to say that love will win everything and if you have it, you will, by and large, are not afraid of nothing.