Each of us has ever suffered one way or another from another person - someone bad with us, please, someone his action violated our trust, someone touched us to the quick rude word. And each of us react the same way - we have experienced the pain of resentment and frustration. Although this reaction is quite normal, the trouble some people that the pain persists in their soul for too long. They experience that pain again and again, not being able to let her go.
And this perception of past hurts, sooner or later will inevitably cause a lot of problems. This not only causes us to be miserable, but also able to draw from work, family, communicating with other people. We fall into the trap of anger and pain and simply cease to notice the beauty of life. Agree, it is very difficult to live like that, and the joys of this life is hardly much. Common situation? So, it's time to fix it. How to learn to forgive? After all, we have to be able to forgive, moving on and letting the happiness in their lives. Forgiveness can change us, it can change our lives.
Forgiveness does not mean that we should forget what happened. Our forgiveness does not even mean that the remission of our people will change their behavior - to control it is not in our power. Forgiveness means that you let go of the anger and the pain and go for the best. The power of forgiveness is not only in the ability to heal relationships between people - it lies in the ability to heal very forgiving.
Why is it so difficult to learn forgiveness?
In most cases, people still understand that sooner or later must forgive the offender. Yet we resist - most of us go to conciliation is not as easy as we would like. One reason for this behavior is a feature of our psyche, arranged in such a way to protect us. We keep traumatic memories and resentment, because it is one of the mechanisms of survival. With this memory of the possible danger of mankind and survived - the one who knew about the danger and ran away from her, survived and reproduced another generation. We learn from our mistakes. We punish ourselves for our mistakes with some losses, so we do not repeat them. So with the offense - may seem to you that it is better to refrain from any communication with the abuser, than to risk the pain and try again. That is safer to be offended than to forgive.
But in fact this is not so - for the psychological comfort of man much safer to forgive her abuser than the years to conceal it hurt. But in order to recognize this, it is necessary to thoroughly understand that what is in essence an insult and that is forgiveness. And we can help you with this.
What is the sense of grievance, and that is forgiveness? Why would a man need forgiveness? What is in question here - the "comfort" vanity? On the balance of power, and the abuser hurt? On receiving additional attention from the fact that you are a "victim"? Or you do not want to forgive a person, because you are afraid to acknowledge its role in creating the problem between you and your abuser? It is very rarely in conflict to blame only one person - usually in varying degrees, the fault lies with both parties to the conflict.
It is the unwillingness to forgive is only a pretext to avoid the solution of these problems? All these questions are not always easy to give a definite answer. Yes, forgiveness is sometimes very hard, and then you have to go through a certain process of mental work to ripe your desire to forgive. And sometimes you need to learn forgiveness.
Why do I need to forgive?
So, if you want to get rid of the offense, to teach them to forgive, first you need to understand why this is necessary. Otherwise, if you do not see any sense, you are unlikely to get something:
If you are offended, then drain the physical and mental energy you spend on feeding of negative emotions. But you could use this energy to promote health and to achieve goals in life.
The ability to forgive - an incredibly positive attitude to life. If you are free from anger and resentment, you become more open to happiness. Your energy vibrations promote health. Generating positive energy, we attract to yourself the same positive energy. As the saying goes, "what goes around, comes around." In short, if you forgive, you yourself will only win.
You have already suffered once from the hurtful words or actions of another person. Why suffer even more, blowing into his soul the bitterness and anger? Why carry a load of negative feelings many days, months or even years, sometimes even after the death of once offended you human? When you resist forgiveness and carry in my heart the pain you continue to channel their energies in the past. Often, depression and many diseases sprout from chronic, hidden in the heart of grievances.
Pestuya his resentment and holding onto your anger, you can sometimes even feel entitled to look at someone down. But this is a false impression. In reality, none of these rights is not. Before you show someone the finger detecting in his faults, you should see three fingers that point to you. In the end, your anger and resentment it will make you sick and miserable, and you will become the person who of his anger he suffered the most.
Learning to forgive
Learning to forgive is not difficult, it's hard to want to learn it. In fact, the psychological experience shows that we sometimes cling to their grievances. This may seem strange, but some people benefit from his resentment, because they can not blame others for their misfortune.
They do not have to take responsibility for the fact that their lives were not, as might be desired. And the history of their grievances can get other people to take their side. Why not be like these people? Very simple! Complaints made us miserable, and forgiveness free us!
The good news is that you can learn to forgive. It is important to understand that forgiveness - not just an act of your will. The path to forgiveness is through compassion, and there are a number of steps that facilitate the transition to forgiveness:
Be aware of the insult
Not necessarily to forgive at the same moment, and maybe even on the same day when you have caused offense. It's not just difficult enough, but sometimes even impossible. It may take some time. After all, you really feel real pain. How much time is necessary for you, it is impossible to predict, because it depends on many factors: how serious offense, as the roads you have offended people, how close is your relationship. Someone to forgive the offender, missing two or three days, and someone two years will not be enough.
Think about the possible pros and cons
What are the problems your pain make you decide? Will it once at your relationship with the person you offended? And relationships with others? How will this affect your work and the atmosphere in your family? Do you stop the offense from achieving your dreams, or you will become a better experience this pain? Would not you unhappy? Think about all these issues and decide that you can change. Then think about the benefits of forgiveness that it will make you happier, free you from the past and from the pain, and as a whole - will improve your attitude to life.
Only it is not necessary to assess the practical side of the issue - the possible benefit from your communication. If you're just a man just because he can bring you practical benefits - to borrow the car, sit with children, a manicure, take a money substitute at work - it would not be sincere forgiveness that will bring you psychological relief. Moreover - you will suffer even more if you have a cute smile person who is actually in the shower you can not forgive.
Remember the right choice
Recognize the right of choice. You can not control the actions of other people, do not even try. But you can control not only our actions but also our thoughts. You can stop the painful feelings and can go further. Do you have this power. You just need to know how to implement it, how to learn to forgive offenses.
And just because you have a choice, you can decide for yourself if you are ready to forgive the offender, or not yet. Just really assess the situation, listen to yourself, to your feelings, emotions, thoughts. And then use your right to choose - choose whether to forgive the person.
Try to put yourself in the person you offended. Try to understand why he did what he did. Start with the fact that it itself is not a bad man, just did something wrong. What was he thinking, what could happen to him in the past, to get him to do so? What did he feel when he did it, and what he feels now? Do not force yourself to believe that he did the right thing, just try to understand and empathize.
After all, if people did it in such a way that sacrificing your good attitude, so he had no other choice. The most effective way to understand the offender - to put yourself in his place. What would you do in this situation? It may well be that you will come to the conclusion that they themselves would have done exactly this way. So, forgive the person you will be much easier.
Recognizes its responsibility
Try to find out how you could take part of the responsibility for what happened. What can be done to prevent the incident, and how you could prevent this next time? This does not mean that you take the blame or the responsibility for the act of another person. You just need to understand that you are not a victim, but a full-fledged participant in the events.
If you realize this, you will be much easier to forgive a man than if you continue to stay in the holy confidence that you are a pure angel. Although in some cases it can be difficult to do - too hard for anyone to admit their mistakes. In this case, you will only thorough introspection. Just look at the situation from the outside, as if it did not occur to you - so be objective will be much easier.
Focus on the present
Understand that the past is over. Quarrel lives only in your thoughts. And this is only a problem - the feeling of unhappiness and stress. Put your focus on the present. What are you doing now? What joy can you learn from today? Stop and go back to relive the past in the present. Moreover, it is very likely that your abuser long ago forgot about everything and live in peace, without even thinking about the incident. And you're still worried, suffer, suffer. But is it worth it? It is unlikely that you will agree.
Finally, I'm sorry you are offended and realize that it helps you to be happy. I feel compassion for this man and wish him luck, too. Let kindness and love for him and for life in general is growing in your heart. If you learn this gift, you will be surprised how to change your life. Do not expect it to happen very quickly - typically, this may take some time - a month to someone who about a year, and someone, alas, all life a little. But much depends on your willingness to forgive.
New brain research scientists show that when you create some pattern of thought or behavior, the brain very quickly fixes it. So if you are constantly reacting to anger or resentment bitterness, such a pattern of behavior will be strengthened, and you will become so responsive in any situation, even when the offense is insignificant and not worth the strong emotions. Similarly, the construction of the scheme will also be benevolent behavior secured. Always remember that.
This does not mean that you have to love everyone and everything to forgive does not mean that your kindness will free your buddy from responsibility for his actions. This means that you will be able to understand and empathize. You have freed themselves from the negative and the relationship between you. And perhaps even open the door to let in a new, much better relationship between you. In short, learn to forgive people, even for the most severe offense, you will greatly improve their quality of life.
We recommend to check out how to forget the person you love