how to learn to listen

As a well-known psychologist shared experience. He was going to open two training courses: one on the art of speaking, the second about the ability to listen. As a result, those wishing to learn eloquence typed twice more than necessary. And at the second seminar is not signed by anybody. So tell me: how to learn to listen to a man who only wants to talk about? Nothing. And this is the main problem of our society. We do not hear each other. People visit each other's homes, not in order to communicate, but simply to turn to tell the news of his life. At the same time a good friend is the one who heard at least half of what was said.

We learn to speak politely and thoroughly, buying gifts to friends and remember all their birthdays partly in order not to feel lonely, at the right time could be someone to talk to. But all that a man can achieve, when we have learned to listen. Then it is guaranteed to be a valuable and meaningful in the eyes of others. Only then can it reasonably recognize intelligent conversationalist. After all, when you listen to someone, you get a lot of useful information from the speaker. Therefore, in this article let's look at how to learn to listen.

Types of hearing

Passive way of hearing occurs everywhere

There do not listen to the interlocutor, but simply do not interrupt. At the same time all the words pass by human ears. And you asked him what it was two minutes ago - do not respond. That is why psychologists recommend all the most valuable information to sound at the beginning of the dialogue, when the attention of the interlocutor more focused on you, not on your own thoughts. But if you listen to the party - is that you? Then we recommend to increase the importance of the interlocutor in his own eyes. Tell me, if you were in front of the president or a favorite actor, you would listen to him with due care? Yes, you have not a word missing from what he says! Or even would include a voice recorder to store the arguments of the great man as a keepsake. So what's the old lady from the second floor is worse? Only those that did not achieve great success in life?

And by the way, people from your environment can give you a much more valuable information than, for example, the head of state .  They will be informed once the house shut off the hot water and where you can buy fresh mushrooms on the cake .  Does the president of such information? Hardly .  He will be able to describe to you the foreign policy of the country, but this knowledge does not help you in everyday life (of course, if you are not a diplomat) .  So listen carefully to his interlocutors .  And then not only will find a lot of new friends, and learn a lot .  Do not divide the students into useful and insalubrious .  All people in something interesting and something better than you .  Even a simple worker, past which you pass without stopping, knows something about what you do not know .  And clean the parquet she is a much better and faster than you have with your academic degrees .  We're not trying to reduce the value of your .  Just explain that everyone is valuable interlocutor .  And learn to listen to a person, no matter who he is and what takes place in your life - it's very important .

Active way of hearing

There interlocutor listens attentively to what he is told .  Like, this is the most preferable type of communication .  Yes, of course .  But with minor amendments .  It often happens that people are not just actively listening, but also begins to comment on the words of the interlocutor, without waiting for the end of the dialogue .  This is not true .  Listening is not only to perceive all the information as a whole, but also to do so impartially .  That is, you must learn to listen to the speaker, not trying to understand: good or bad did interlocutor .  Moreover - the person will never talk about some event to hear criticism .  Each of us wants to believe in his innocence in any situation .  So if you start talking after saying that man was fundamentally wrong, he replied begin to defend .  This is a natural response to criticism .  Do you think you will become in the eyes of the interlocutor a good listener? Hardly .  Therefore, learn to listen and to be able to express their point of view - are two different things .  Share your opinion only after the interlocutor he asks for it .  Mostly people do not care for your opinion .  They just want to speak .  So give them the opportunity .  Listen to them .  And then you will become much more important in their eyes than the man who gives good advice .

 learn to listen

A few rules of literate listeners

  1. In the case of an unsuccessful dialogue responsibility lies on both the source. Therefore, if there is something in the conversation went wrong, to blame for this, and you will too.
  2. Only 20% of people transmit information through words. The rest can be found in his facial expressions, gestures, body positions. Examine them carefully to the interlocutor.
  3. Try to understand the feelings of the speaker. The same situation can lead to two different people of different opinions. One information rejoice, while others - upset. Try to understand the true feelings of the speaker, to be more objective.
  4. Show their care. If you listen to people frankly bored or does not express any emotion, the speaker does not get proper pleasure from dialogue. You have to actively express their interest in the conversation, if not the words (not to interfere), the facial expressions, gestures, body leaning forward body.
  5. To listen effectively, you must turn off all other sound sources: TV, tape recorder. Nothing should distract you from the conversation. And if you listen to her friend, and themselves vaguely trying to understand what is going on in your favorite show, then worthless to this listener. Donate for a series of girlfriends. Moreover, the film can be seen in the recording, and again to listen to the exact words of a friend will turn out.

And finally I want to note: if you absolutely do not like the source or manner of communication, no one forces you to listen to him for hours. If you do not want to talk to someone - do not talk. It is your right. However, ever hear a man still stands. Perhaps your negative perception had the erroneous actions of the interlocutor and that led to such a relation, it is justified.

 How to learn to listen to the interlocutor?

 Types of communication


  • The verbal type of communication
  • Levels of verbal communication
  • Nonverbal communication type
  • Position companions at the table
  • These eyes in front
  • Gestures

Have you noticed when anything quite differently interact with people? At the same time, you can yell at his son for another bad mark and, distracted by the doorbell, quietly take a letter from the postman .  Many even manage to smile at a stranger and talk about nothing, despite the fact that in the soul of a raging storm .  And the thing is that the various types of communication include different behavior of the same person . Moreover, we can describe a totally different one and the same thing, depending on who is in front of us .  For example, a girl can out loud praise blouse, which she imposes dealer and then, moving a couple of meters from the shop to complain about aggressive girlfriend on the proposed color of clothes .  Another example: a woman is happy husband present on March 8, and in the evening my mother said by telephone that the spouse wrongly chosen dress size .  I got a husband that miscalculated with a gift? Of course .  His eyes second half spoke louder than words .

So we gradually shifted to what the main types and forms of communication are. Psychologists distinguish between verbal and nonverbal ways of sharing information. In the first case it is transmitted by words. In the second - facial expressions, gestures, gaze.

The verbal type of communication

This is the usual method of transmitting information in humans. The baby with the help of my mother cry reports that he was hungry and it's time to change a diaper. The young man asks his girlfriend's hands, saying learned words. His behavior has long reported on the serious intentions, but the lack of recognition did not allow his beloved talk about it - the bride. With the words take on the job, report improved earnings and eventually pass away. However, the same can be said the news quite differently. Sadly, fun, with a sense of worth, pride, contempt, and even cry out. And the words to change their emotional.

For example, the phrase "how are you" can mean serious concern (if you ask the patient), and a mere formality (interested from a friend on the street), and the manifestation of attention (when a young man asks a pretty employee). And if you add to this the proper intonation, the interviewee can get much more information than was included in the proposal.

The verbal type of communication is divided into three groups:

  • The meaning of words. It plays a major role the correct formulation of the phrase, clever use of words. It all depends on the environment, education and the mood of the person at the moment.
  • Expressive voice quality. This term refers to the weeping, laughter, sighs, whispers, and even silence. You agree that with this simple list of the tools of verbal communication can be achieved by many of the interlocutor.
  • Speech sound effects. This modulation of the voice pitch (sharp, smooth), rate of speech, intonation, tone and diction. In short, all the things that we clothe in words for a greater understanding of the meaning of others. For example, the phrase "Ivanov - a liar", uttered in a low voice, can not cause any attention. And if you shout the same words to shout at the demonstration? Sure, the effect will be more productive.

 main types and forms of communication

Levels of verbal communication

Undoubtedly, it is very important in communication is how you talk to a man building a dialogue, calling on the response. Psychologists distinguish six levels of verbal communication:

  1. Business style observed in the working environment between superior and subordinate, partners, and colleagues. Here, in the assessment of business communication is an interlocutor, and being stressed businesswoman, respectful conversation with the reference to "you."
  2. Primitive style: it resorted to the people of low cultural development or just drunk .  For example, a man drunk can easily talk to any passersby, telling about their plight, and have enough familiarity with the .  He was not interested in neither the name nor the interlocutor .  The purpose of the conversation - just to talk .  At the same time the person for it is of no value (drunk anyway who confession), and it might just as well talk to a bench in the park . The same style of communication is sometimes held by some traders and fellow travelers on the train .  But assume that the primitive style of communication is used only by people of low cultural level, it would be wrong .  Very often resorted to such methods of intelligent and educated people who are trying to explain something to the other party, being sure that the person can not understand the nature of the problem .  It is very important not to cross the line .  Maybe your neighbor does not know Newton's third law, but what do you think him a fool, understands immediately .  Do not underestimate the people and talk to them deliberately simple phrases .  The conversation can be completely reduced to a joke, then you do not have to explain anything, and neighbor relationships do not deteriorate .
  3. Manipulative style. This level of communication is applicable to those people who are on you need something (this may be the sales staff or diplomats). During the conversation, trying to identify the source in your weaknesses and play to them to achieve the desired. Very often veiled under the manipulative style of servility, flattery, excessive attention.
  4. The game style is used for communication between friends, or a man and a woman. For example, friends talking and joking at the same time. A girl tries to flirt with her boyfriend liked (also a kind of game). Such types of communication are the familiarity of all.
  5. The style masks. This level of communication is inherent in virtually every human being. So we communicate with our neighbors, old friends, teachers of their children. Whatever our mood, when we need to put on a mask of friendliness and blurts out a list of standard phrases in order not to appear impolite. And for each of the interlocutor have stashed own mask. We go to the teacher as a serious mother. We meet friends in the form of "life is good". And the neighbor through the wall, you can try on the mask righteous indignation when we are sure that it comes to bad faith or Jeka next increase to pay rent.
  6. The spiritual style. So communicate only very close to each other people: a husband and wife, mother and daughter, close relatives. In order to reach the spiritual level, people must have sufficient knowledge of each other and have confidence in the other person. It happens that one person wants to go to the spiritual level of verbal communication, revealing someone his secret. And in response only hear laughter or indignation at the offense. That is why psychologists advise very carefully choose users for frank conversations, especially since some people do not know how to hold your tongue, and your secret may be made public.

 types of interpersonal communication

Nonverbal communication type

It is the language of our body. All that can not (or do not want) to put into words. Very often, such communication is more eloquent. However, not all. Scientists have proved that women are more susceptible to the type of non-verbal communication. Simply put, they are better able to read people "between the lines". As an example, an experiment in which we participated couples. They were divided by gender, and given a few options to listen to the baby's crying. Women immediately discern where the baby is crying from hunger, and where they are prevented from wet diapers. Then the men were unable to determine the cause of dissatisfaction with the children. Before they reached only verbal contact of the child.

Incidentally, the non-verbal type of communication very actively studied science. There are several areas that are working on language recognition of the human body:

  • Takesika - examines the causes of touch during intercourse (hugging, kissing, touching, shaking hands, repulsion).
  • Kinestika - defines the symptoms of human emotions and feelings. Zhestika exploring some parts of the body movements, facial expressions - the movement of facial muscles, pantomime delves into the motility of the entire body: gait, posture, posture.
  • Proxemics - examines the value of the distance of people in communication. That is how close a person is to the other party in the conversation, defines his attitude to the latter.

There are four types of distance between people:

  1. Intimate Zone. Makes 15-45 centimeters. It allowed it only the familiar, close friends. For this zone is characterized by tactile contact, confidence, low voice, touch. Science says that the violation of human intimate zone entails some physiological changes in the body: increased secretion of adrenalin, increased heartbeat, blood flow to the head and so on. If a person prematurely invaded the intimate zone, it is always perceived as an attack on immunity. It happens that in a crowded transport people are too close to each other, which brings discomfort some passengers. Psychologists advise to turn away from the congestion points for travel, invading your intimate zone, look in the eye and did not talk to them. So the trip will take place for you much easier.
  2. Personal or personal zone. Makes 45-120 cm. Suitable for everyday conversations with friends and colleagues. It involves only a visual eye contact between people who carry on a conversation.
  3. Social zone. Makes 120-400 see. Complied usually during official meetings in various offices when dealing with those people that do not know very well.
  4. Public area. It is more than 400 cm and involves human intercourse with a large audience and a group of people. However, some people may be much closer to the speaker. However, we can not allow a person closely surrounded by a large number of people. Many mentally lost in the crowd.

Position companions at the table

On what position a person takes the table, we can judge about his attitude to the case as a whole. This knowledge is widely used in the organization of the negotiations, when you can simply be transplanted human and slightly weaken its position. And now more specifically about the actual positions:

Corner - the most favorable for the dialogue of the teacher with the student, the head with subordinates. Both sides have the necessary space for the exchange of views. The angle of the table at the same time serves as a symbolic barrier that protects against unjust attacks. The views are not companions crossed that also brings psychological comfort. And when difficult questions are raised in the discussion, people can always focus on the formulation of an answer, giving eyes to a stationary object.

The two sides are sitting opposite each other. It konkuriruyusche-defensive position, which is used in disputes, sharp discussions, debates. Its advantage is that it allows you to see well face an opponent committed by gestures, which vary depending on the ratio of the interlocutor to the discussion. This table is the so-called psychological protection.

The two sides settled in different corners of the table. It is an independent position that reports on human reluctance to communicate. Needless to say that this has a negative impact on the entire process of communication? You can try to change the situation of human transplanted. But there is a risk that the other party can not accept the changes and leave the room before the start of negotiations.

The two sides sitting around. This position directional cooperation. Here, between people there are no barriers, and communication itself is confidential nature. In such a situation, participants can discuss the conversation almost all topics and issues as the sides accept each other.

 types of communication between people

These eyes in front

It is also well possible to recognize the emotions and intentions of the person in the eyes. It is best to know the man who when meeting immediately assess how the interviewee looks at him. Moreover, in view can be determined social status, presence and absence of problems and even human health. For example, a week before the student scholarships, the grandmother with a minimum pension and a single mother look at the world around the same eyes. With sadness. While successful businessman looks at others confidently and boldly. The same expression can be seen from the eyes of a child who grows into a complete family. He had no problems in the future growing up man looks with optimism.

More specifically, the eyes of the interlocutor, depending on the situation, it happens:

  • Secular. In this case, view falls to the lip line or just below eye level interlocutor. This method contributes to easy and relaxed communication and used at receptions, meetings and parties.
  • Business. Here, the sight is fixed at the level of the forehead interlocutor. It is assumed that this is a serious atmosphere of business partnerships;
  • Intimate. The man is not looking into the eyes of the interlocutor, to other parts of the body below the face (to the chest). This shows the interest of people to each other. An intimate look can be accompanied by dilated pupils (in anticipation of the fun).
  • Looking askance. Says suspicious or critical attitude to the interlocutor.

Eyes, forehead, mouth, eyebrows, mouth, chin, nose - the part of the face is best to express the basic human emotions. Positive emotions (love, joy, surprise) can be determined faster and easier, harder perceived negative human emotions (anger, sadness, contempt). The main load in determining the true feelings of the interlocutor are lips and eyebrows.


They offer the most in communicating information. You can take the table the position that you took, to hide the view, control words, but gestures will still be given a real attitude companion to this problem. Psychologists have identified six groups of gestures:

  1. Gestures illustrators. These include: reporting gestures (signs when a person something points the finger) pictographs (paintings shaped image that draws the source in the air, on the table), kinetografy (various body movements), zhesty- "bits" (for psychological a visual signal from the interlocutor) ideography (hand movements, which connects people with imaginary objects).
  2. Gestures regulators. This deliberate movements with his hands, nodding, which express the relation of man to anything.
  3. Gestures-emblem. Figurative substitutes phrases or words to communicate. For example, it can be compressed with the hands, symbolizing friendship and cooperation (as in the handshake), slightly raised palm mean in many cases, greeting, raised his hands above his head interpreted as a farewell.
  4. Gestures-adapters. Pretty specific hand movements. This twitching body parts interlocutor in communication. Scratching, touching, stroking foreign objects of his body. Easy poshlepyvanie partner shuffling of all that is at hand (button, notebook, pencil, and so on. N.).
  5. Gestures effector. This expression movements of muscles of the face and body of certain emotions.
  6. Micro-gestures: Subtle changes to the interlocutor: an increased number of blinks, sudden reddening of the cheeks, lips twitching and others.

Psychologists say - when one wants to show their emotions and feelings, he would resort to the help of gestures. Therefore, it is important to learn the true meaning of certain gestures in order to determine the true intentions of the interlocutor. Feature gestures is this: they enhance the action of weak disturbances by showing the housing body and hand movements; suppress strong emotions, limiting the movement of the body. False movement aimed to deceive the interlocutor, primarily committed limbs, and after the facial muscles are utilized.

You can define the following types of gestures that often arise in the communication:

  • Gestures evaluation. When a man pulls along the cheek finger, scratching his chin, he stands up and starts to pace around the room (evaluation of information), and others.
  • Gestures confidence. Interlocutor swinging on a chair or fingertips connects to the dome of the pyramid.
  • Gestures of uncertainty and nervousness. A man pinches his hands intertwined fingers, tapping his fingers on the table. It happens that the interviewee expresses its lack of confidence that before sitting down, touching the chair.
  • The gestures of self-control. Hands Human pointedly kept behind his back with one hand squeezes another. It can also pose sitting on a chair interlocutor, clutching his hands into the armrest, and others.
  • Gestures expectations. Slow-man wipes his hands on a cloth or rubbing his hands.
  • The gestures of denial.