Have you ever thought about what you and your family members are like a single organism? Between you there is a huge amount of invisible ties, and they explain the fact that the family, as the system is integrated. If something happens to one of you, it is reflected in all. And this is not some kind of magic there, but it is a scientific fact, which formed the basis of a direction in family psychology. Many family consultants use a systematic approach in their work, and it really helps many families to solve their problems. After reading this article, you are just like them, will be able to improve the climate and relationships within your unit of society without recourse to a psychologist.
Features family system
The family as a system has a number of properties. Firstly, the family - it is something more than just the sum of its parts. It can include mother, father, child, and other members, but are not limited to: there is still a relationship between them, family history, family climate, major and minor rules and family myths. From all these things depends on the quality of your life and your household.
Within the family, there are many relationships. This means that if you want to improve the family atmosphere, you need to change the attitudes and behavior of all households. The family has a big effect on the lives and the status of its members. This influence is so strong that each of them individually may have one intention and in fact get something completely different - something that obeys the laws of this particular family. For example, parents may want children very good, but to build your relationship with them so that the children will grow unhappy or infantile.
The family must interact with the environment. Agree, modern family will not survive if the mother will not go for the food, the father - to work and children to school. In families that are trying to secede from society and are closed, is always full of various problems: addiction, breakdowns, failures in the personal lives of its members and much more.
Very interesting is the fact that your family has an impact not only the reality around you, but also your family with my husband parents. For example, many policies and rules that would seem to emerge themselves in your life actually come from there. On this basis, in young families often have conflicts wife used to that in her family were among the traditions, and the husband was accustomed to quite different. And each of them his way of life seems only right. To understand this situation it is sometimes very difficult, even from the side.
But that's not the worst option. Much worse, if you inherited from your parents your family got such unpleasant phenomena as alcoholism or psychosomatic illness.
It also happens that a young family moving problems unresolved in the old. For example, my daughter had a problem with her father: they are always quarreling and could not find a common language. As time passes, she gets married, but the relationship with her husband, she builds the image of the relations established with the father. No need to be psychic to predict that they will not be happy.
Each family has its limits - it's certain rules and regulations within which it lives (who, what and when to do). They can be external, separate the family from the surrounding reality, and internal family subsystem separates from each other (spouse, children, etc ...). Borders can be tough and blurred. If the outer limits of strict family, all family members interact with the world are strictly regulated: who and how often comes to visit, whether it is possible to be in a society without a spouse, the spouses as parents may interfere in their life, etc. ... Blurred external borders also do not bode well: the house is often converted into a thoroughfare, and family morals are so free that someone may not like it.
Rigid internal borders mean little measurable change in the rules for all family members. The behavior of each must be subordinated to a clear timetable and any deviation will be condemned. For example, the child put to bed at ten o'clock, after which he should be in bed, and no one will approach him, no matter what happens. Blurred internal borders - is always a complete lack of personal space among family members. There is no way to retire and be alone. Everything that happens in one area, he immediately goes to another. For example, if the spouses have problems and they quarreled, the child immediately begins to hurt.
All families are by and large subject to two laws - the law and the law of equilibrium. Paradoxically, they are opposite to the action. The law helps to preserve the balance of the existing order of things in the family in any way. Even if the whole family is very bad, they unconsciously behave so as to preserve this order. Everyone may think that thin is better stability than sudden change. It is because of this many families where there are obvious problems, these problems may persist for years, more and more exhausting family members. And the law of development is that the family as a functional system is not in place, and trying to live its own life cycle. On what stage it includes, it will be written below. On the side of the law of development work such inevitable things as marriage, birth of children, aging and dying.
Family life cycle
The family does not arise out of nowhere and goes nowhere. As already mentioned, it is similar to the body, and, like any organism, it has its own life cycle. Family is born, grows, matures and moves slowly into oblivion, as the ground for the creation of new families. This circle of life is infinite and continuous. It includes certain stages through which almost every family - of course, if something is not dramatically interrupt its existence:
Stage monads - premarital period. It begins with independence man and a woman. They learn to communicate with the opposite sex and choosing a partner. Each of the people creating the future family life of its own and becomes your own experience. Sometimes this period is prolonged, because Young people do not want to marry because of problems within the family of origin. And sometimes, on the contrary, take the time to gain independence.
Stage dyad. At this stage, the marriage and made a life without children. The couple begins to live together and face challenges, which was written above: different habits, lifestyles and traditions. They must agree on the rules that will live their family and how to change their social status due to marriage. They will also have to resolve the issue of family boundaries, habits, lifestyles, values, and finances. All this is impossible without a huge number of negotiations and the establishment of the set of agreements.
Triad Stage, when a child
. On the one hand, it makes the family more stable, and with another - increased distance between the spouses at the expense of more attention to the child
. Increasing the burden on the shoulders of young parents
. Mother forced little sleep around the clock to care for the baby, managing to keep the house clean and tidy
. For her, the problem is actual self: many young mothers think that life is passing at the time, they sit with the child
. Father, in turn, has to work harder, and after work - to sit with the child, giving his wife time to other cases
. Fatigue builds up, and this inevitably leads to conflicts
. Very bad if the child is unwanted, and the couple are not yet ready for his appearance - in this case a high probability of divorce
. The peculiarity of this period is the emergence of parental roles
. They married in contrast to what the role of the husband or wife can be waived, and the role of parents - forever
Stage square, the appearance of the 2nd child. New family member pushes 1st child - as if the younger overthrow the throne older, depriving him of the powers of the sole possession of the father and mother. In such families there are often strong jealousy, tension and jealousy. Oldest child comes face to face with a situation where everything goes to the youngest, and he was - nothing. Parents need to explain in detail all the older child: where did the youngest, as it should be treated, and why do we need all these changes. They will need to organize family life in a way that the elder did not feel neglected and unloved.
Stage output to the school. It begins with a campaign youngest child in the first grade. At this stage the family as an educational system is tested for effectiveness. If during the first child class can handle the load, this means that the family is located on the right track. Conversely, if in the first class there are problems, it says on problem families. It is important to remember that family for a long time can perform well, but on any of the stages may have problems. Parents decide a number of issues related to the child: the comprehensive development or selection of interesting activities and inclinations, accustomed to household duties, a mismatch of reality ideals. In addition, parents are first faced with the fact that their children someday they will leave, and they will remain private.
Stage maturing adolescent children
. This period was filled with crises for all family members
. The older generation, or grandparents, prepares for retirement
. Average or parents wife, come in mid-life crisis, associated with the summing subtotals and revaluation of values
. Children come into puberty
. The law of equilibrium is seriously at odds with the law of development
. The family tries to keep the status quo ante, but is a strong need for change
. On the one hand, a teenager looking for himself, gradually becoming independent adults and, on the other hand, the family tries to maintain its status as a family member
. Accordingly, a family in which a child adolescent should let him into the outside world, but for him to be a reliable rear, where they can heal their wounds, to tell everything
. Also, the awkward age teenagers combined with the rest of the family crisis
. Normally, after passing through this stage child partially separated from the family
Stage elderly dyad - empty nest syndrome. Children are less likely to be at home, and it may be that either by their parents used to talk to each other, or care for them and love them rallied spouses. Often exacerbated old disputes and problems whose solution has been postponed due to the birth of children. To solve these problems is now much more complex, because both husband and wife are adults with established habits and attitudes. Characteristic of this phase is the experience of anxiety, loss of love, disappointment in a partner. Because of all this can occur exacerbation of existing problems, such as alcoholism or hiking "left".
Empty nest syndrome - is a signal of the approaching old age. Often, adult children that life does not meet the expectations of parents, causing even more controversy. Often, family problems are complicated by the release of the couple retired. They have suddenly produced a huge amount of free time that they do not know how to spend.
Women tend to be better adapted to the role of the pensioner, as in their life takes few changes: we also remain owner of the house, responsible for the family budget and leisure. The man usually plays the role of "breadwinner", and with the retirement of this role is losing its value. Most families in this period there is a quiet revolution, as a result of which the power is fully transferred to his wife. This negatively affects the atmosphere in the family, because looping occurs in the daily life and routine. Harmonious version experiences "retirement" stage - the search for new fields and opportunities for self, respect for the purposes set by the other spouse and his support and help in achieving them.
Stage elderly monads - after the death of a spouse. It's always hard to experienced, as it is not a waste, but also a reminder of his impending death. The surviving spouse must adapt to living alone. Because of this we have to change the established way of life and habits. Psychologists have identified a number of options is quite typical lifestyle widow or widower.
The first option - that's life in the past: care in the memories of how good life was the loss of purpose in life and the rejection of the future, leading to loneliness. The second option - it is a life waiting to die: there is preparation for "a meeting with her husband," the religion of care, adoption and expectation of death. The third option - self-centeredness: people focused on their own health and well-being embodied in the life of their desires. The fourth option - attempts to self-realization in a professional or social activities. Fifth - to increase the intensity of communication with family and friends: friends, children and grandchildren, caring for them. Sixth - a remarriage and the establishment of a new family.
Features family life in Russia
A lot of books on family psychology written by foreign authors, and advice articulated in them, may seem very, very effective. However, when reading such works can not forget about the specifics of the Russian family that is able to negate the theory of many Western psychologists. What are the features of a family living in Russia?
In the West, it is assumed that the family - a mother, father and children. Grandparents, aunts and uncles live in separate families, and their influence is very limited. We have also, in most cases, everything happens in a different way: the family living together under one roof, but still on a very small area. At the head of the family are often not the father or mother, grandmother or grandfather, and still more confused because of financial dependence of each other.
Many generations of our families are no men. They died in the war, dying of alcoholism or simply abandon their families. Because of this, in Russian families typically female-dominated type of education, which, in particular, affects the character of the children.
Due to Soviet ideology, any manifestation of personality has long been banned. This is reflected in the family structure: life, values, norms and rules are constructed so that family life becomes impossible comfort and satisfaction of their personal needs.
Because of social instability and social crisis in the Russian family is no feeling of safety and security. We live on a powder keg, with the thought that tomorrow everything could collapse. Because of this constant stress is often a aggression to each other and the desire to forget alcohol.
How to create a healthy family climate
Many of you would agree that the family - is a very important sphere of human life. But why is it so great importance? The weight of all of our lives such that it seems valuable, but the importance of the family remains unchanged. That is why each of us dreams about making her family happiness prevail, comfort and well-being. What can help in this difficult task?
Do not forget about the order in family subsystems. Married subsystem occurs before the parent, respectively, first and foremost you are the wife, and then the parents. Take time to be alone, keep the intimacy and love between you.
Place the family borders - both external and internal. Ideally, they should be flexible. For example, you do not love her husband when friends come to you, and suddenly the whole crowd. It is possible to agree that they will not do so all the time, but once a month - it is possible. Or, the baby sleeps alone in her room, but when he is sad or scared, he can come to you. And so on - all rules can be flexible and responsive to the needs of all family members.
Be aware of the responsibility. Everything that happens in your family - the result of the behavior of all its members, and not one of them. If you have serious problems with her husband because of the fact that he always spends time outside the family, the more likely you provoke it to do so. It does not look right or wrong - it is better to discuss the problem with her husband and her decision to start first with yourself.
Get into "someone else's" skin. Sometimes it seems that we are in the position of non-winning, unlike her husband.