It does not matter how you learned about treason beloved husband - guess yourself, you're being "enlightened" or the husband himself confessed ... In any case, this news certainly hit you like a ton of bricks, crushing his weight and knocking the ground out from under feet. Of course, any woman in such a situation, hoping that we can do something that would help keep the family together, no matter how much burning pain and resentment in his heart. Do you want it and you; however, can not under the weight of grief fall upon you to gather her thoughts and decide what to do now in general and how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, how to go beyond the pain, forgive the adulterer and save the marriage.
What to do when you find out about changes
We understand what you want from us is not so much words of comfort as clear guidance, what to do. It is in order to help you quickly gather his thoughts and understand what to do once, and that - a little later, we suggest you not to become, the argument about the change and its causes, and Staten instructions outlining the plan for the optimal action for your situation . Let it serve as a beacon to you, the light which you go, getting out of the abyss of grief.
Do not take any important decisions, especially on the break, just because your husband has changed. Now you need some time to think about your marriage to see if any other problems besides infidelity, because of which your family would cease to exist. It is necessary to identify and discuss them all.
Feelings can not be right or wrong. You must recognize that your feelings of anger, insecurity, emotional shock, excitement, fear, pain, confusion in thought and even depression after the news about the fact of treason - this is quite normal in such a situation, the feelings. Do not blame yourself for them, trying to hold back emotions.
Be prepared for the fact that you can be any physical reaction to a state of shock, such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (you may suddenly start sleeping too little or too much), tremors, inability to concentrate, an aversion to food or gluttony. Do not be afraid; as soon as the emotions die down a little, you let it be. In an extreme case, have a drink some mild sedative.
Take care of yourself. To make it easier to cope with the above physical reactions, try as much as possible to respect the rules of a healthy lifestyle. Try to eat nutritious food, drink plenty of clean water, observe the regime of work and rest, sleep at least eight hours a night, do even the most simple physical exercises. And try to find a way to at least temporarily distracted from gloomy thoughts.
This is fine if you allow yourself to laugh. Laughter just help you not to plunge headlong into despair. Look good comedy, listen to funny songs. Take time to talk with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of all our suffering and mistakes adulterers.
Tears - is also a healthy reaction. I cry to you now even useful. Certainly not worth crying from morning to night, but the cry from the heart should be. Pent-up emotions do not lead to anything good; so you only will fall into depression, but it is quite dangerous. So cry to your health! If you can not give way to tears, you listen to sad music or watch a movie with a dramatic ending.
Keep a personal diary. Burn it all the thoughts and feelings that are associated with cheating spouse. This will help you organize your thoughts, and gradually you will be able to understand what is happening.
Ask all the questions, the answers to which you want to know. Talk to your spouse about his deed. It may be that it has a share and change your fault. Very often, a man is looking for other women what it lacks in a loved one. And can it happen that your husband and he could not understand what made him adultery. Well, and this is quite possible.
Talk to someone from relatives or friends, who do you trust. If necessary, consult a psychologist. But in any case do not try to go through it alone - you now really need the support.
Both you and your spouse must be checked at the venereologist and get tested for AIDS and other diseases, sexually transmitted diseases. And of course, without this it is not necessary to renew intercourse without protection.
Do not forget to talk to the children. They need to know that you'll be all right. It is not necessary to hide from them the fact that you are now going through a crisis; yes it is you have and never will. Be honest with your children, but do not overload their psyche details about how their father had cheated on you. And do not give them promises which obviously will not be able to perform.
Try to resist the temptation to start to blame the person who was the subject of infidelity. It's a waste of your psychic energy. Prosecution of third parties will not change anything. Think about what the cause of the disorder must be sought first and foremost particularly in your relationship.
If you are constantly nervous, scream at the slightest provocation, you feel as if going over the abyss on eggshells and still feel the physical manifestations of emotional shock (we were talking about them in the third paragraph), it may mean that you have developed post-traumatic stress. In this case, consult a doctor without delay.
Suppose that you would not be a surprise that it will take time to stop to feel pain at the thought of infidelity partner. Do not expect a mixture of feelings of confusion, uncertainty and distrust will disappear just because you choose to forgive her husband and take on the obligation to preserve the marriage. All of this will take place only after some time.
If you do not want to forgive the partner and are set to divorce, then look at it is not primarily in terms of your ambitions, and on the practical side. Analyze your finances, the situation with housing, transport and so on. Think, if you can solve all the problems on their own; It is especially important to take the time, if you are all alone to raise the children. Believe me, it's not easy.
Think twice before announcing her family or her husband's family about his infidelity. It may happen that you have already established their relationship with a spouse, and someone in the family will never be able to forgive him, or you, it - for treason and promiscuity, and you - because you have it in something blamed or something that's just it.
Knowing what type of treachery occurred, sometimes it makes it easier to understand. Was it by accident and only for one night, or was it a novel? It happened due to the crisis of middle age or it is typical for the behavior of your men? In different situations, and the reaction to the betrayal will be different.
On the other hand, in most cases there is no simple answer why someone becomes incorrect. This may be a symptom of some marital problems, and can refer to something in the past, your spouse.
You will have to go through the process of mourning. You will experience denial, anger, depression, and only then comes the adoption occurred. You should understand that because the way our psyche; but that does not mean that you will never be able to forgive her husband, particularly if you are now, for example, at the stage of anger. Because the time will come step decision, and you will be able to forgive him and save the marriage. So do not rush to hasty conclusions or take decisions rashly.
What you need now
Get enough sleep
Free expression of emotions
Willingness to forgive
Four steps to preserve marriage after infidelity
Your marriage should not collapse just because your husband was caught cheating. But you both have to work hard so that the family is not broken up. We are ready here to give you guidance.
Extramarital affairs must end. If both of you are really decided to keep the family together, your husband must agree never, under any circumstances, no longer communicate with the former mistress.
Understand the reasons that led to the change. If not addressed, it can not be confident in a favorable outcome of the case. If some of the pitfalls in your relationship have led to some changes again, why they can not do it a second time? Talk with her husband calmly, but very frankly. And to recognize their mistakes, if any.
Take a step towards each other. After the betrayal of the partners can be a lot of anger and resentment towards each other. But do not get hung up on these feelings. Instead, look to the future. Look at each other the emotions you want to feel, and not those who actually feel at the moment.
Resurgent confidence. Anyone who cheated must once again gain the trust of his wife. You have to start from zero, so your way will not be easy. The husband needs to understand that he must respond immediately to your calls, tell about where and how he is going to spend today, always tell the truth. If he starts secretive, then you start again assailed by doubts. Only honesty and openness can save your marriage.
How to restore confidence
Of course, after the betrayal of trust is seriously undermined, so its restoration should talk more. A few guidelines to help you:
Decide to love her husband are still letting go of the past. Do not focus attention on the situation that violated the trust between you and your spouse.
Set yourself for forgiveness.
If before your husband lied to you, but now he needs to completely change their behavior. This means that more among you there should be no secrets.
Discuss together and set ourselves specific goals to guide your relationship back on track.
You both need to confirm their determination to save the marriage.
You need to share the pain with each other. Your spouse needs to understand what caused you considerable pain; but you must understand that it is now difficult, because it was plagued by shame and regret that it was he who caused you this pain.
Listen to the heart, and not just the head. Do not twist the self for any occasion.
Be honest and frank with each other.
Do not use harsh or hurtful words and epithets that can cause conflict. Do not roll down to the constant reproaches and accusations. Remember that your husband will only be able to open up your soul, when he sees that you really forgave him.
Take responsibility for your actions and decisions. Do not repeat the mistakes that prompted your husband to treason.
Be prepared to see a specialist for advice to get a better understanding of what can strengthen your confidence.
Remind each other that each one of you deserve to get honest and open answers.
Recognize that restoring confidence takes time. This does not happen in one day or month.
You will not be able to completely forget about the betrayal, but you will be able to completely give up the pain after the betrayal. Only on this too takes time.
Share your feelings with each other. This openness will help you to get close again, and the proximity revive confidence.
What you need now
The desire to save your marriage
Fight for your happiness!
We strongly recommend to read: How to restore the confidence of a loved one